


Cut The Noise

by thoseindarkness



Series: Vicious (What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me) [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 80's Film Reference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Burritos, Cock Tease, Cunnilingus, Cunt Tease, Dirty Talk, EDM - Freeform, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Fingerfucking, Force Bond (Star Wars), Fusion of Star Wars Legends and Disney Canon, Grinding, Groping, Hickeys, I REGRET NOTHING, Lesbian Sex, Making Out, Masturbation, Mild Smut, Multi, My First Smut, NSFW, Neck Kissing, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Not Beta Read, Oral Sex, Other, Penis In Vagina Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Reylo - Freeform, Reylo AU Week 2018, Semi-Public Sex, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Songfic, Sorry Not Sorry, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Voyeurism, Wall Sex, Whipped Cream, sad masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-06-30 01:59:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15741822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoseindarkness/pseuds/thoseindarkness
Summary: New York City DJs Jakku and Kylo Ren meet by chance at the start of a new year. Their no-strings-attached relationship could be the best thing that ever happened to them or drag the pasts they've each been running from out into the light.Dark Rey and Light Ben dynamics. Smut, kink, damage and fluff in a modern AU setting. I hope you enjoy. Posted at the start of Reylo AU Week 2018.





	1. I'm Coming Back For More

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the 2018 Halestorm album Vicious and expanded to include songs from all their albums. Each chapter is inspired by a single song. Titles and opening quotes are directly pulled from said song. This story is all about music so if you're looking for a soundtrack to read to I recommend one of two options:
> 
> (1) Listen to Halestorm! If you're into fun, sexy, female lead, hard rock I welcome you to check them out and spin the title song as you read. It's not necessary but a hell of a lot of fun. Some songs have more of a direct influence on the chapter than others and some will even reveal the undercurrents in the scenes (if you pay attention to the lyrics). 
> 
> (2) Listen to EDM! I never overtly say so, but Kylo Ren mostly spins hardstyle and Jakku leans more toward dub step. YouTube is a wealth of music and all you need is the name of the subgenre to pull up a great playlist. I listened to a lot of SW related remixes in particular. The DJ AG remixes of 'Binary Sunset' and 'The Imperial March' always got me into a writing groove when I was struggling.
> 
>  **WARNING**
> 
> Life is ugly, messy and uncomfortable. While I believe that the fan community should be a safe place for people of all backgrounds and beliefs, I also believe that the only way to grow is through pain. If we're only ever fat, happy and comfortable then we have no impetus to change. Literature (for me) has always been a way to push against my own fears and perceptions. 
> 
> I have an easier time with sexual trigger warnings that the emotional ones. If I fail to offer an appropriate warning for something please reach out and let me know. Overall you're looking at recreational drug use, some kink, multiple partners and light touches on deeper emotional issues Ben and Rey are known for (self-doubt, anger, loneliness, etc). Chapter notes will warn accordingly.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey came to New York City to get lost in the noise. A chance meeting with an up and coming DJ could be just thing she needs to shake up the new year and shake off the cobwebs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 went out without beta. All mistakes are my fault alone. I am currently looking for betas to read the rest of this story. If you're interested please message me here or on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.

 

_I'm on the edge of the war_  
_I'm holding on and hanging by a thread_  
_I am the eye of the storm_  
_And you haven't seen the last of me just yet_  
_-Black Vultures, Halestorm_

* * *

Holy shit. Look at the line." Kay said as they rounded the block to their destination. Her breath came out in a white cloud.

"Jakku! I want to have your babies!" A man screamed at them as they passed.

Rey turned, winking at the stranger.

"Jesus girl." Rose chuckled.

They pulled their coats tighter against the chill and trotted toward the club entrance. Gigs at Canto Bite were the kind Rey loved playing. Big, open, warehouse spaces with lots of people. A chance to go out with the girls. Rose got her trap and house fix. Kay could roll and fall in love with a stranger for a night. Rey had plenty of opportunity to get lost in the crowd. A little bit of something for everyone. As the minutes counted down to midnight and the start of a new year Rey would ring in the new year doing what she loved: making noise.

The bouncer waved them through at the door. It was packed. A few acts had already gone up for the night. She was closing so she didn't need to be there for a few more hours, but Key and Rose insisted they go early. They'd been hounding her about a particular DJ they'd seen at Starkiller a few months back. She'd never heard of him. All she could remember was that his name sounded utterly ridiculous. Like a character from science fiction. At least he wasn't going around calling himself DJ Insert Stupid Name Here. It was just the stupid name.

Rose split off to find her sister Paige and their promoter friend Poe. Kay and Rey made for the bar. A few people stopped them along the way pawing at Rey for her attention. She took pictures with fans, friends and random club goers. When they finally arrived at the bar Kay made eyes at the bartender. They had a thing going, which worked in Rey's favor because she got free drinks.

Whoever was playing was absolute crap. She scanned the stage and immediately knew why. Armitage Hux was one of those technicians with not an ounce of creativity. He'd started out as an engineer working for far more brilliant men and women but fancied himself an artists. He was patently wrong about it. She might have let him slide on creative differences - art was subjective after all - if he wasn't such a cocksucker about it. That man loved to hear himself talk.

She rolled her eyes and turned back to the bar desperate for anything that would make the shit Hux was shilling more palatable. Then again, she wasn't sure a lobotomy would help. She leaned down the bar wondering where the hell the bartender was when she noticed a man a few seats down staring at her.

He had an interesting face. Long and filled with strange shapes. A big nose. Wide mouth. Pouty lips. He was staring at her like he wanted to eat her. Which, with that mouth of his, she might be game for. When their eyes met he didn't look away. She liked that. Most people got embarrassed when she caught them staring. She waved. He smiled. She raised her eyebrows at him and nodded for him to come over.

Rey got a better look at this stranger as he took the seat next to her. He was huge. Tall. Broad shouldered. Walked in this stompy, awkward sort of way. The poor thing also looked like an emo kid who'd walked into the wrong club. Black on black on black. Skinny jeans, black t-shirt, black boots, and a beanie with what had to be bottle black hair artfully curling around his face. The only thing missing was the guyliner.

She had to lean into him to speak over the noise, nearly standing on her stool to reach his ear. "Can I help you?"

"You're Jakku."

It wasn't a question. He had a deep, rich voice that she could feel in her chest like a bass drum. She shrugged.

"What if I am?"

"I saw you a while back at D'Qar. I really like that you sampled Symphonic Dances."

She pulled back, surprised. Those samples were buried under so many other sounds. Even Rachmaninoff himself would have been hard pressed to pick them out. He smiled at her. It was his turn to lean in.

"Yeah, I noticed."

And he could read minds. Curious.

"Hell of an ear you got there. You classically trained or something?"

"Or something."

"Oh come on, you can tell me. I don't bite… unprompted."

The stranger chuckled, pulling back to take a sip of his drink. There was a hunger in the way he looked at her. She knew exactly what that look meant. What the people wearing it wanted. This was her favorite game to play and whoever this guy was he was already losing.

The bar tender arrived with her drink and tapped the stranger on the arm. The stranger nodded. He leaned into Rey one last time.

"I gotta go. Looking forward to seeing you later."

She put a hand on his shoulder.

"I hope we'll see more of each other soon."

He turned his head at that comment. This close she could map the constellation of tiny birthmarks on his face. He gave her a curious smile and nodded. Kay was kind enough to wait a few seconds for him to fully disappear into the crowd before rounding on her.

"Who was that?"

"No clue," Rey admitted. "A fan."

"Oh shit." Kay nodded behind Rey. "You've got company."

Rey turned to see Finn stomping in her direction. He was one of her on-again, off-again lovers. She was about ready to move back to off with him. Perhaps forever. When they went on too long he got possessive, overly comfortable. The last round he'd become intolerable. She didn't need any more hangers on. She'd come to the US to get away from all that. She was done with that life. Done with people who wanted more than she was willing to give.

Finn grabbed her hand pulling her from the bar. They got only a few steps before Rey wrenched herself free.

"We need to talk!" He shouted over the din.

"I have nothing to say to you," she shouted back.

Kay was at her arm, motioning toward the back house. It was a good idea. They could hide in VIP until her set.

"Don't you dare!" Finn yelled, catching on to their intention. "Rey!"

He grabbed her again and she shoved him. No one touched her without her express permission. No one.

"I'm tired of your bullshit, Finn. We're done. Lose my number."

She and Kay made their way toward the back. Finn followed, undeterred.

"Rey! Wait!"

The noise from the club faded to a dull thud when they entered the narrow hall that led to the back of house. Rey saw two familiar faces standing at the end by the door. One she knew well. The owner of this not so little establishment. An unscrupulous bastard by the name of Dee Jay. He was a prick. Would stab anyone in the back if he thought it would make him a dollar. At least he was up front about it. The other was a face she'd only just come into the acquaintance of. The Rachmaninoff aficionado from the bar.

Both heads turned toward the shouting. Their gazes tracking from the girls hasty retreat to the man hot on their heels. Dee Jay stepped forward, stuttering a sham apology as he got between Finn and girls.

"S-s-sorry brother. VIP only." Dee Jay said in his slight accent.

"She's my girlfriend." Finn spat trying to edge his way around the owner.

"She don't seem to think so." Dee Jay put an arm against the wall to bar his way. "Do ya, J-j-jakku?"

Rey snorted.

"Man get the fuck out of my way." Finn was shouting which was utterly unnecessary.

"Don't pick a fight, Finn!" Kay called. "This is his club. He will have you banned."

Rey turned toward the door. She didn't want to deal with this shit a second longer. The stranger was leaning against the wall by the door. Arms crossed over his chest. He was watching the whole thing go down with mild interest.

"I don't give a damn. I fight for what is mine!" Finn yelled.

That was a line too far. Rey was about to say something when the stranger spoke up.

"I'm pretty sure she doesn't _belong_ to anyone."

He said it ever so casually. Like he hadn't just plucked the words from her head. That gave her an idea. She pressed her body into him. Stood on tiptoes to whisper in his ear.

"I could belong to you for a little while. If you wanted." Her lips latched onto his neck and sucked.

His body tightened against her. Big hands warped around waist. She heard the _thud_ of a fist against the wall and the kick drum beat of angry feet stomping away. The stranger chuckled under her lips.

"He's gone now," the man said.

She flicked her tongue across her handiwork. He was gracious enough to shudder. A tiny circular bruise was blooming to life on his neck. He cleared his throat.

"Thank you," she laid a quick peck on his cheek.

"Oh no." He opened the door for them. "Thank you."

Dee Jay's laughter ushered the girls into the back. When the door shut behind them the men had not followed.

Rey would never let on, but shit like that shook her. Her personal life could be dangling by a thread, so long as it was her shit show she would maintain control. There was no room for carrion feeders clawing at her entrails. Life had kicked her too many times to put up with a second more of it. She would fight until there was no breath left in her body.

VIP was a loft above the back of house. It overlooked the stage from the rear. She could see the whole club from up there. Immediately below her the turntables and rigs set into three neat booths. Great for transitions or groups. She'd played a few collaborative sets here before. They were a lot of fun with the right artist. She spotted the DJ in booth one. An older woman Rey was grateful to call friend. Few enough people remembered old school jungle and drum and bass but those were the tracks Rey had grown up with back home. Holdo kept those roots alive. Rey adored her for it.

"If it isn't the reigning queen of the rave scene. Having a row with another one of your fuckboys I hear?"

Hux had a nasal voice that made Rey want to punch him in the nose, you know, just to see if it would improve things. It pained her to share a homeland with the arrogant cunt.

"When I have a row things get broken, Armitage." He sneered at the use of his first name. "See that you bear it mind. I wouldn't want you to end up collateral damage in my war on the American cock."

"You're a small fish in a very large pond, little girl. Why don't you run home to your mum? Oh. Oh, I'm sorry."

He knew better than to say shit like that. His gaggle of sycophants giggled around him. Their General. She ignored them. This feud had been going on a long time. All the way back to the beginning of her career. They knew things about each other that neither wanted publicized. The difference was those truths would paint her in a better light than they did him. She had all the ammunition in this war and he needed to be reminded of that.

"At least I could go home if I wanted to. When was the last time you were in London, Armitage? Two years? Three? How's Phasma?"

He paled. The strobing lights painting his skin a sickly color. His jaw tensed, gearing up for another salvo. An arm wrapped around his neck.

"Sup, Hugs?" Poe pulled him in like they were old buddies. They weren't. "I heard you were trying to get on the roster for the dubstep weekend in Newark. Really dude? New Jersey?"

"Let go of me."

"Alright man." Poe released him holding his hand up in a sign of surrender. "Just remember whose pond you're swimming in. Jax?"

Poe winked at Rey, nut checking Hux as he passed. The ginger flinched.

"If you speak to Phasma, give her my love."

Rey had half a mind to call Phasma herself and invite her to The States if only to watch the fireworks. The only reason she didn't was she'd be dragging her own skeletons out with his. That was never going to happen. She followed Poe to a booth where her friends had all gathered. Rose. Paige. Kay. Ello. She could feel Finn's absence acutely. He'd been a friend before he was a lover. There was a line there. She didn't sleep with her friends and she didn't befriend the men and women she slept with. She'd broken that rule with him and it had gone to shit quickly.

Kay pawed at her arm, pulling her from her memories. "He's on."

"Already?" Rose jumped from the booth.

"Who?" Rey asked.

"Kylo Ren. Come on. You're going to love this."

They skirted around the outside of the much smaller VIP dance floor to the railing overlooking the stage. In booth two she saw this Kylo Ren character and nearly choked on her drink.

"Is he wearing a fucking mask?"

"Yeah," Rose swooned.

"It's really cool looking," Kay said. "I wish you could see it from the front. It's got these metal plates on it and shit."

Rey rolled her eyes. Always a fucking gimmick. Why couldn't it just be about the music? Why did everyone have to try and be Deadmau5? She noticed the full length trench coat and gloves he was wearing.

"You can't be serious. Is he going to make it to the end of set? I'd be worried he'll die of heat stroke."

"Just give him a chance," Kay said.

"You're going to love it. I promise." Rose added.

Kylo Ren wandered into Holdo's booth, scribbling notes back and forth with her. They nodded. Holdo laughed. He turned back to his booth and began toying with his equipment. Rey couldn't see his rig clearly, but even from up there she could tell it was expensive. Top of the line gear. She watched him queue up tracks. Tweaking things. Listening on his headset.

Holdo went to him a few minutes later. They scribbled more notes. She bopped along to a track in his headphones. Gave him the thumbs up. She began keeping time with a finger, his hand poised over the volume controls. She counted him down. Three. Two. One.

A new track rose up in the background. He was adjusting the volume slowly. Letting Holdo's track shine for as long as possible while threading his own faintly beneath it. There was something familiar about it. Something Rey recognized deep in her soul. It was so faint she could barely make it out. They rounded on the end of the track. Kylo Ren adjusted the volume again and a soaring strings section rang out. The subtle strings made an unlikely compliment to the frantic jungle track. He made it work.

That's when it hit her. This was Rachmaninoff's first symphony and they were reaching the end of the _grave_. It was about time for a tempo change that came with a drum blast. Sure enough he transformed the beat into a drop and the _allegro_ began in a symphony of synthesizers. It was highly technical but also utterly original. He must have been sampling original sounds. Layering in noises she'd never heard. A symphony on non-standard instruments. It was incredible. Creative. Fresh. Ballsy.

Kay nudged Rey. "I told you you'd like it!"

She was pretty sure she was in lust with this guy. He mixed the way she did. Nothing was sacred. He pulled from movies and scores. Video games. Cartoon theme songs. He mixed in pop, classical, sixties jam rock, seventies funk, eighties new wave. He sampled sounds you couldn't find in any canned program. It didn't matter where the sound came from. If it worked he used it. The perfect juxtaposition of harsh noises into beautiful harmonies. It felt like he was inside her head. Reaching into her thoughts and pumping them out through the speakers. A glorious feedback loop of sensation. All too soon his set was over leaving her exhausted, drenched in sweat and not nearly ready for it to be over. When she hit the railing again he was gone.

Rey scanned the loft for Kay and found her intertwined with someone neither of them knew. Best to leave her to her own devices. The E had hit around mid-set and Kay was rolling hard. She locked eyes with Rose instead who nodded. Paige gave her a thumbs up and waived her off. They would watch Kay's back. Rey had a mission.

She jumped the steps down into the bowls of the club and threw open every backstage doors until she found the room Kylo Ren was hiding in. He was laid out on a bench in the middle of a tiny prep room. Vanity mirrors along the wall revealed to Rey just how wild she looked in that moment. His head popped up at the sound of the door. The mask still covering his face. She wasted no time, sitting astride his waist and leaning down to peer into slit over his eyes.

"Hello," he said.

His hands came to rest on her thighs. His deep voice modulated through the mask. It was a strange sound. She suspected she knew who was under there, but she wanted to be sure. She reached for the high collar of his coat and tugged it away to reveal the now dark bruise on his neck.

"Did you get the present I sent you?" His modulated voice asked.

"Loud and clear." Rey took the mask in her hands and planted a wet kiss on the cold plastic where his mouth would be.

His hands tightened on her legs. He pulled her higher onto his stomach. Had that gotten a reaction? She couldn't tell through the thick coat but it wasn't too late to try again.

"How do you get this thing off?" She didn't want to pull at the mask and risk harming that strangely beautiful face.

He moved her fingers to the latches on either side and pressed his thumbs into hers triggering the release. The mouth piece popped out with a soft _hiss_. It was fully mechanized with an onboard vocoder. Rey imagined it must have been expensive. It hit the tile floor with a heavy _thunk_.

She gave herself a moment to take in the look of his sweaty hair plastered to his cheeks and forehead before latching onto his lips. He grunted against her mouth. Those full lips as soft as they looked. She bit one, hard as she dared. His impossibly big hands slid up her back and pressed her down to him. He opened up for her. Sinking his tongue into her mouth. He tasted like the candies she used to love as a child. Tart and sweet all at the same time.

Her hands wandered to his hair. It was wet and greasy and luxurious between her fingers. She wanted his neck again, but the fucking coat was in the way so she sat, pulling him up by the collar. There were no buttons. It was a series of hook and clasps latches. Rey had to pinch each tiny one to open them. She growled in frustration. Kylo's hands were working furiously behind her back. A moment later he discarded his gloves into the mask and slid out from under her. Her ass hit the cold metal bench as he stood. In a single motion he pulled the right breast of the coat to the left and released all the clasps at once.

The coat fell off his shoulders onto the bench behind him. Rey reached for his waistband, tugging him back down to her. Now he was on top, pressing her back into the cold bench. They explored each other's mouths desperately. His thumbs rubbing circles into her hip. Hers trailing under his shirt. Feeling the taught muscles hiding underneath the black cotton. She wanted to lick every inch of him. He was already in her head. She wanted him inside her in every other way.

A ringing interrupted their reverie. Kylo looked up at the vanity. His phone skittering across the surface as it rang.

"Important call?" She asked.

"Alarm." He looked down at her with that same hunger in his eyes.

"Then ignore it," she whispered.

"It's for you," he admitted. "You should be getting ready for your set."

"Fuck. Already?"

He nodded.

"Can't be helped then. The show must go on!"

She stood, legs still straddling the bench. He was so tall she barely had to lean at all to reach his lips. She took one last lingering taste of him and couldn't help the question from tumbling from her lips.

"Where the hell did you come from?"

"The west coast."

She raised her eyebrows. "And?"

"The past is the past. Let it stay there."

Rey couldn't agree more. This Kylo Ren was turning out to be very interesting.

"I'll make you deal. No pasts. No names. Just this moment. Nothing outside these walls. We are exactly who we are now."

The muscle under his left eye twitch and she wondered what it meant.

"Alright, Jakku."

"Make sure you're stage left before midnight."

His hands slid down her back to her ass and lingered there.

"Any particular reason?"

"Just do it." She grabbed his chin, sinking her nails into his cheeks. "Or don't. It's up to you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I love feedback. Any and all welcome, including criticisms so long as it's polite. I ain't proud. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I loved writing it.
> 
> Chapter 1 went out without beta. All mistakes are my fault alone. I am currently looking for betas to read the rest of this story. If you're interested please message me here or on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.


	2. The Devil's At My Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has just met - and made out with - his favorite local DJ and scene goddess: Jakku. He might even start the new year off with bang.
> 
> Posted at the start of Reylo AU Week 2018. Welcome to the smut. I hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 went out without beta. All mistakes are my fault alone. I am currently looking for betas to read the rest of this story. If you're interested please message me here or on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.

_Feels like the end of the world_  
_But it's only the beginning of it all_  
_Forget the things that you learned_  
_I've been a survivor since I began to crawl_  
_I've fallen down but I'm not out_  
_The Devil's at my door_  
_-Black Vultures, Halestorm_

* * *

This was what Ben had been searching for. What he'd dropped everything and come to New York hoping to find. A fresh start. A place no one knew him or gave a damn what his last name was. A chance to get lost in the noise. Raw, unbridled creativity. Jakku did things with sounds that no one was doing. In a scene full of pills, music was the only drug he needed and she was his crack dealer.

He stood on the side of the stage with other musicians and VIPs. Screens around the room that normally streamed random visualizations were now tuned into the countdown in Time Square. Jakku had concocted at track that sampled hits from pervious New Year's broadcasts and heavily featured Dick Clark. She'd managed to perfectly time it to start five minutes before the ball drop and each minute it warned the audience how close they were. The style changed each minute expertly transitioning from one subgenre of EDM to another. She was a fucking genius.

Ben watched in awe as she climbed the side of the booth microphone in hand.

"Alright you crazy motherfuckers. We're down to the last minute. The year is almost over. Fuck the past. Fuck the future. Fuck your new year's resolutions. There is only this moment. Find the closest face and when the ball drops suck it!"

The audience roared at her. She gyrated into the scaffolding as she made her way back into her booth. She ran around the front of the stage and made a bee line for stage left. It was like watching lightening arc. She caught sight of him and leaned into the run. Her body slammed into his. She took a fistful of his shirt, tugging him out onto the stage.

He followed. Utterly captivated. Entranced by her. There was a chair in the center of her booth. She stood on it during her sets usually to gyrate to the music or scream obscenities from. She shoved him into it roughly. His back to the equipment and the audience. She stood over him, working the controls. His face pressed into her sweaty chest. He licked the beads of sweat between her breasts. Cupped her ass and ground her into him.

The counting on the track grew louder as it rounded on the twenty second mark. Her voice vibrated under his tongue as it rang out on the house speakers.

"I want to hear every one of you counting. Do you hear me?"

The crowd roared her.

"Weak!" She screamed. "Scream god damn you!"

Ben felt the room in his chest. A rumble that drown out the bass. She laughed, tossing the microphone into her booth. The final countdown began. A small hand grazed his chin pulling his attention upward. She leaned into his mouth, hovering just out of reach. There was a fire in her eyes. Savage. Feral. Untamed. He didn't want to break her or domesticate her. He wanted to be mauled by her.

She counted down. Her lips grazing his as she enunciated each digit from five, down to four. At three her tongue poked out of her mouth and ghosted his bottom lip. Two was a light brush. At one she covered her mouth with his and plunged her tongue inside. He drank her in. Her madness. Her chaos. She pulled his hair. Undulated to the music. Her hands gripped his shirt again, pulling from the chair. She walked him backwards away from the booth again. Lips still locked onto his. She shoved him. Turned away. Her hands returning to the board. She gave him one final sidelong glance. A wry smile. The microphone at her lips once more. She screamed into it and the beat dropped.

* * *

He could still feel the bass thump in his chest as the back stage area started to clear. She turned the corner into the back of house drenched in sweat from running around the stage like a speed freak. When she saw him she smiled, her lips poking through her teeth. He offered her a towel.

"Amazing as always."

She accepted the offering, brushing her fingers along the back of his hand as she took it. Jakku cocked her head to one side.

"Did you wait around just to tell me that?"

"Should I not have?"

He was suddenly uncertain. The way she'd attacked him after his set and at the ball drop he thought there might be an open door there. Conversely, he'd heard things about her moods. He didn't put too much stock in the rumors, but they didn't come from nowhere. Her face split into a toothy grin. She seemed acutely aware of his discomfort. Her nose wrinkled as she laughed.

"Walk with me. I left my shit in the green room." She threw the towel over her head.

"They let you use the green room?"

Jakku nodded. "I know the club owner. He lets me do _whatever I want_."

The way she said it made him think she talking about more than the building. That was another rumor he'd heard… and experienced firsthand. She was freak on and off the stage. He'd met more than one DJ who wasn't pleased about it. Ben didn't give a shit about that. He came from a world where people slept their way to the top and didn't have a fraction of the talent this woman had. What she did with her hands when she wasn't mixing was her own business and no one else's.

She led him into the green room. The moment the door closed she leaned down to slid off her lavender Doc Martens. The towel came sailing at him a moment later. When he pulled it from his face he found her slipping her shirt over her head. He turned away reflexively and immediately regretted it. In a past life it would have been considered impolite to watch a woman undress, unless you were helping her to do so. Since he wasn't doing the undressing he'd turned. It was a holdover. He was still working to unlearn these old habits. Only there was a mirror behind him. He could still see her and she was chuckling at him.

"You're a good boy aren't you?" She looked amused as she unbuttoned her painted on jeans. "The towel was kind of you but I really need a wash." Her English accent seemed to grow thicker with every word. "I'd be glad of the company."

It might have been the rasp in her voice from the set, but he picked up an undercurrent in her words. He recognized loneliness when he heard it. It was something he was intensely familiar with. It drew his eye to her again. She was naked as the day she was born. Meeting his eyes with defiance. A goddess. Unashamed. Unapologetic. Her sweat soaked skin glistened in the halogen lights.

"Tell me Kylo Ren, how good are you?"

Ben tracked her in the mirror as she walked into the bathroom. The pipes groaned. The shower came to life. He could still see her in his mind. Tiny frame, wiry and tight. The curve of her shoulder. Her small breasts. Pink, pert nipples. The swell of her hip and copse of dark hair between. The handful of small tattoos peppering her skin. The muscled swell of legs and ass. The chords in her back as she walked away.

How good was he? Once upon a time, very. A model gentlemen. Practically a fucking a saint. Mommy's good little boy.

How good was he? He remembered her tongue poking out through her teeth as she smiled at him. Could still taste her sweat on his tongue. Could still feel her body arcing against him in time to the music.

How good was he? Not that good.

It took only two of his long strides to reach the shower door, which she'd conspicuously left open. The shower wasn't enclosed. The whole room tiled in an ugly shade of nineteen fifties teal. The shower head was set in the far corner. Steam filled the air. Jakku was under the water. Her hair making a river down her back. She didn't look up when he entered.

"I was wondering how long you were going to stand there. You coming in?"

Ben paused. He'd stumbled at the start but he knew how to play this game. It was time to field a few pieces first.

"I've been waiting for a proper invitation."

She turned. Water beaded on her eyelashes. She blinked it away.

"Would you like a written invitation or will an oral one be sufficient?"

"Oral's good."

"Hm. Well then." She held her hand out to him. "Kylo Ren, I would like to formally invite you to join me in the shower. If it please you, you can even fuck me."

She gave a mock curtsey and turned back into the water. He decided to take his time removing his clothes. She wasn't watching him, but he caught her steal glances in the mirror.

"The water's going to get cold," she prompted.

She was getting impatient. Good. When he was ready he made his way to her. She stood stock still under the shower, waiting. It was his move. From across the room he hadn't noticed the condom in the soap dish. This woman was serious. For a moment he faltered. Every foul thing he'd heard about her ran through his mind all at once. Then he remembered himself. He'd spent a lifetime on the wrong end of people's opinions about him. He wouldn't do to her what had so often been done to him. He wouldn't assume he knew her until she showed him.

If he got burned, it was his choice to make. He stepped under the stream of scalding water pressing the length of his body to hers. She made a pleased sound in her throat that reverberated through her body and into him. Just watching her had gotten the blood pumping. That noise, the feel of it on his skin brought his dick to life.

She cocked her head back. She was so small her forehead just barely brushed his chin. He slid her hair to one side and laid his lips on her shoulder letting his hands wander to her body. One kneading at her breast. The other sliding down her stomach and thigh. He kissed and nipped along her shoulder and neck, letting his hands glide across her skin. She ground her body against him. Pressing his erection into the crest of her ass and the small of her back.

His touches were feather light. Ghosting her body. Exploring. She reached between them grabbing him tightly and squeezing, just on the edge of pain.

"There's no need to be gentle," she growled. "I won't break."

Ben pushed her flush against an empty patch of tile, his fingers sliding between her legs. She yelped in surprise then laughed. The laughter transformed to a throaty moan as he worked her clit.

"You take direction well."

"It's one of my many talents." He whispered into her ear before biting it.

"Fuuuuuuck," she moaned.

She tried again to reach for him, but he snatched her hand away, pressing it against the wall with a wet slap. He kept at her clit rubbing little circles around it. Focusing only on it. Relishing each gasp and wriggle. When her moans began to rise in pitch his slid his fingers lower exploring the rest of her. Playing at the opening then sliding back up to brush her clit and back down again. The cadence of her noises changed again. Deeper. Most guttural.

He watched her face as he played with her. Her eyes shut tight. Her nose wrinkling as it had in laughter. Her tongue darting out at random intervals to lick her lips.

"Inside me," she breathed.

He obliged. Entering her with his long fingers. For someone with the reputation of a slut she was incredibly tight. Ben wasn't a small man. The thought alone of filling her drove him to near madness. To his pleasant surprise the could feel what he was guessing was the most important piece of information he could glean about her body. He applied pressure and she moaned wildly. It _was_ her g-spot. It was rare that he found it so quickly. He made sure to give it special attention as he worked his finger in and out of her. After a couple of thrusts he added a second digit. Then a third.

He could feel her body tensing against him. Grinding to the rhythm he set for her. She uttered startled little gasps every time he passed over her g-spot and grunted in frustration when he didn't. She was fun to play with. Vocal about her likes and dislikes.

"Are you going to toy with me all night or are you going to fuck me?"

"That depends. Do you want to be toyed with or do you want to be fucked?"

He pulled his fingers out of her and ran them along her clit in rapid strokes. She spasmed so hard he was sure she would have fallen if he hadn't been holding her in place.

"Did you come?" He chuckled.

She shook her head, clearing her throat. Was she having trouble speaking? Good.

"When I come you'll know it."

Her voice was raspier than it had been before. He continued to play with her. She tried to push against him. Tried to wriggle free, but he was so much bigger than her. There was no way she was breaking loose.

"You haven't answered my question, Jakku. Do you want to be toyed with or do you want to be fucked?"

"Fuck me," she whined. "Please. Oh god. Please."

There was a forlorn pleading to her voice. It reached into that part of him that hated his empty own apartment and self-imposed exile. He pulled back, allowing her the freedom to move. She leaned down, stepping up on her tip toes and arching her back.

"Please. Just like this."

He reached for the condom, taking in the view as she spread herself before him. The muscles in her back taught. He slid the latex barrier over himself and paused. No. Not like this. He pulled her upright, spinning her around and lifting her into the air like she weighed nothing which was nearly true. He made sure to cover her head as her back hit the wall. She huffed.

"What are you doing?"

He leaned into her, their noses brushing. She moved in to kiss him but he jerked back just a fraction. Smiling when she frowned.

"I like to watch."

He thrusts himself as far into her as she would take him. Whatever rebuttal she was preparing died under the growl in her throat. He paused long enough to ensure she was okay. She said she wouldn't break, but she was gripping him like his dick was the only thing holding her aloft.

"Do that again," she demanded.

He had to go slowly at first. Even fingering her she was tight and he was big. Each stroke opened her a little more. He didn't imagine he'd fit himself inside her entirely, but she accommodated him. Within minutes he plunging himself completely into her. He could feel her spams every time he passed over her g-spot.

He shouldn't have gotten himself so worked up playing with her. It had been a while for him. He wasn't sure how long he was going to last and he needed to watch her come. This amazing woman who spoke to his soul in music. Who stoked the fires of his creativity. He had no free hand. No way to reach her neck. He had to do something. He remembered the chair by the door.

"Hold on to me," he said.

She wrapped her arms and legs around him and held fast. It was miracle he didn't slip out along the way, but he made it to the seat. She uncoiled her legs so he could sit.

"Your arms getting tired?" She teased, nipping at his chin.

"Afraid I wasn't going to make it," he admitted. "You're so fucking sexy it's a wonder I don't nut just looking at you."

She threw her head back. Laughter bubbled up from her throat. Ben gasped at the sudden constrictions.

"Don’t do that."

"How about I do this instead?"

She leveraged herself with a hand on the back of the chair and began to roll her hips into him. The angle was different. The head of his dick now pointed directly toward the top of her inside wall. Every thrust making full connection with her g-spot. Fuck she was good at that. This wasn't going to be easier on him, though it was certainly better. So much better. He could feel every inch of himself sliding in and out of her with each circuit of her hips. She knew just when to stop. Just when to drive home. The sensation was maddening.

A distraction was desperately needed. He slid his thumb between her legs to rub her clit. The instant he made contact her moaning began the same uptick he'd heard before. For good measure he wrapped his lips around her breast. He could fit the whole fucking thing in his mouth. She tasted like sweat and tap water. He licked and sucked at every inch of flesh he could get purchase on as she ground her body into him.

Her breathing became as ragged as his own. Her walls constricting around him. He was so close. He just needed to hold on a little longer. He wanted to feel her come. Hoped to god she would scream for him like she did on stage.

"Oh shit," she whispered.

Her little 'oh' and 'ah' sounds got louder and louder, then disappeared entirely. He realized she was holding her breath. He picked up the pace on her clit. Working it as fast as his finger would move. No breath escaped her body as her chest constricted once, twice. She began to shake in his arms. A wail tore from her throat as she came. He kept rubbing her clit until she twitched away from him, grabbing his hand.

She smiled, resting her head on his forehead. "You're not done."

"Ladies first," he said through gritted teeth.

Her laughter sent ripples through making him whimper. She pressed her lips to his ear.

"You will be rewarded for being such a gentleman."

She began to bounce on top of him. Now he could focus on the feeling entirely. No distractions. He slid lower in the seat so he could thrust against her. The sensation was building. A tingling in his legs and stomach. Her nails dug into his chest. She raked them through his hair as she worked him in and out of her. She pressed her mouth to his. Biting his lip. Pulling his hair. She sped up the pace. Her strong legs bobbing up and down in a steady rhythm. It was too much. It was everything. Warmth coiled in his stomach.

"Come for me," she groaned. "Please. I want you to come for me."

The desperation in her voice. The earnest. The feel of her hands in his hair and her body enveloping him. He grabbed her hips and pushed himself as deep as he could go. The orgasm burning through him like fever. He buried himself in panicked thrusts, spilling himself inside her as she held him tight. He grunted at the final stroke. Empty. Sated. Consumed.

She nipped at his ear. "That was glorious. Thank you."

"It was my pleasure," he replied.

"Now get the fuck out of my green room."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I love feedback. Any and all welcome, including criticisms so long as it's polite. I ain't proud. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I loved writing it.
> 
> Chapter 2 went out without beta. All mistakes are my fault alone. I am currently looking for betas to read the rest of this story. If you're interested please message me here or on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.


	3. Your Greedy Eyes Upon Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their one amazing night together, Jakku and Kylo Ren are circling each other. Neither are willing to make the first move. A war for control of the other's libido is escalating and Rey just loves it when Ben is watching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! This chapter was very directly inspired by the song 'I Get Off' from the wonderful folks in Halestorm. Thank you to Brit for being my beta on this one and helping me work through the story to get it to a point where I'm happy. You are a lifesaver. 
> 
> WARNING: Chapter 3 contains an instance of voyeurism where one of the participants in a sex act is not aware they're being watched. Please proceed with caution.
> 
> EDIT NOTE (3/3/19): I realized while re-reading that the first paragraph of this chapter was missing. I've re-added it.

_There's so much left unspoken_  
_Between the two of us_  
_It's so much more exciting_  
_To look when you can't touch_  
_You could say I'm different_  
_Maybe I'm a freak_  
_But I know how to twist you_  
_To bring you to your knees_  
_-I Get Off, Halestorm_

* * *

Yavin 4 was known for its insane events. Most infamous were the Slip-N-Slide nights where the place was packed with bubbles. Tonight was an idea the owner had been talking about doing for years but never quite worked up the nerve, until now. It was Pirates vs Lost Boys complete with a cupcake fueled food fight.

After balking at paying thirty dollars for a polyester Tinkerbell costume, Rey had gone with a five dollar lime green tutu and a pair of similarly tinted spandex booty shorts. In the absence of an acceptable top she used whip-cream-with-a-cherry-on-top pasties… which she covered with actual whipped cream. Most of it was gone in the first ten minutes of her set but she relished the looks of anticipation on every man and woman as the cream began to run.

The set was going well. She'd been sampling from the Hook movie liberally and they'd gotten someone to create a visual mix from the various films and cartoons. With the next several minutes queued up, it was time to have some fun. She dashed to the edge of the stage and climbed the speakers. When she reached the top she pulled the mic from where it was tucked into the rear waistband of her shorts.

"BANGARANG!" She shouted. The audience shouted back. She began to chant 'Rufio' until she could feel the whole room screaming it back at her. "How do you bring a fairy back to life?!" She shouted. They cheered. "What was that Peter?"

Robin Williams' voice rang out through the house as he shouted, "I do not believe in fairies!"

She dropped, bonelessly onto the speaker. The room exploded into applause. When she was satisfied they were clapping loud enough to bring her back she rolled off the speaker, fell the handful of feet to the stage and stuck the landing. She bowed. As she brought her head back up she saw him. Tall, dark, and delicious. Kylo Ren.

It wasn't the first time she'd seen him since their tryst at Canto Bight. He was at nearly every show. Always near the front. Always lost in a trance. He stood out like a beacon to her now. She could almost feel when he was there. Feel his eyes on her. It was exhilarating.

Rey ran back to her booth and resumed her work. When she looked up again he'd moved closer. Swaying to the rhythm as he leaned against the stage. His eyes on her. She winked at him. It was several minutes before she could leave her board again, nearly the end of her set. It was also time for the pièce de résistance. She motioned for them to bring out the hose.

Standing at the edge of the stage, just over Kylo's head, she shouted, 'FOOD FIGHT!' and opened the valve. Whipped cream sprayed out in every direction at speed. She made sure to blow her load evenly across the room. Shot girls appeared with trays of mini cupcakes and the war was on. She tossed the nozzle aside and looked down at the man between her legs. He gave her his full attention as he licked the whipped cream from his lips.

He'd missed a spot.

She squatted down in front of him. A silly hat with a big feather poking out of the top was in her way. She took it and placed it on her head exposing the dark waves underneath. Giving into the urge, she raked her fingers through those waves. They were slippery with sweat. His eyelids fluttered under her touch. She tilted his head back and sucked the cream from the tip of his chin.

An ever present hunger seemed to burn in his eyes. She ran both her hands back and forth, savoring the feel of his hair sliding through her fingers. His head swayed in her hands. When his cheek brushed her knee he leaned into that touch so she maneuvered his face against her leg. Then her thigh. His arm shot up, gripping her ass as she sank his teeth into her skin. She laughed and yanked him away. Stood. Winked. Play time was over.

* * *

Ben could feel it uncoiling in his body. That moment of anticipation right before the release. Her hands slid down his legs as she rode him. She was moaning softly. Almost inaudibly. He closed his eyes and he could feel the flesh between his teeth. The taste of sweat and sweet cream. The musky smell. He came hard, thrusting up in shallow bursts. Her body collapsed on top of him. Long waves of dark auburn hair fell around them in a curtain. Jessica smiled and kissed him.

He moved a lock of hair out of her face. "Did you come?"

She nodded. She was so quiet he could never be sure. He rolled her onto her back and kissed her, kneading her full breasts. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him. When he moved to kiss her neck she giggled.

"Again?" She asked.

"I'm game if you are."

She sighed. "No. I have to go. Work in the morning." He let his head fall into the pillow over her shoulder. "Awe." She kissed his cheek. "I'll see you this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing you play." She gave him another quick peck and wandered into the bathroom to get dressed. They'd been dating a few weeks and she still got dressed in the bathroom. Jessica was sweet, dainty, smart, kind and…boring.

"What are you doing on Thursday?" He called. "There's a great eighties night at Ahch-To."

"I have another date lined up."

"That's fair."

Ben had connected with her through a local poly site. Still being relatively new to the city he didn't know many people, let alone people who dated multiple people. He was rapidly learning that simply being polyamorous didn't necessarily make you adventurous, in bed or out of it. She appeared in the doorway.

"Besides. You know I don't really like that kind of music."

"You don't like EDM either."

"I know, but I want to support you." She shrugged. "Did you look at that website I sent you?"

He had. They'd connected over a shared love of classical music. She had deep insight and a great deal of knowledge on the subject. It had been a turn on in the beginning, that is, until he found out it was all she really listened to. The websites was a job board for musicians. Most of it was session and orchestral work. Exactly the kind of shit he didn't want to do anymore. Explaining that to her had already upset her once. He wasn't going to do it again.

"Yeah. Haven't found anything yet, but I'll keep at it."

She pulled her lips to one side. "No you won't."

"No. I won't," he admitted.

She sat at the edge of the bed and rested a hand on his chest. "I like you, Ben. I think you're a great guy. I also think you're trying really hard to be something you're not. Embrace who you are. I know what happened to you was rough, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. You can't let it stop you from finding fulfilment in what you love."

He blinked several times. Had she really just tried to psychoanalyze him? The anger roared up immediately, but he remembered his training. Counted backwards. Breathed. In that moment it was clear. The anger always seemed to sharpen things to a laser focus.

"You're right." He sat up to kiss her forehead. "You're so right, Jess. I am trying to be something I'm not and I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Everyone has their struggles."

He took her hand. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

She frowned. "I don't understand."

"I know. That's why I don't think it's working. That person you think I'm pretending to be, that's who I am. That's why I was miserable. I'm really pretending to be someone more to your liking because I didn't want to scare you off. I realize that was a mistake."

"I'm sorry you feel that way." Jessica stood abruptly. "I would say it was nice to have met you, but I'm not sure it was."

As it often happened, a million possible responses ran through Ben's head. As it often happened, he sorted and filtered each one for their appropriateness to the situation and weighed the possibility of their inciting an argument. As it often happened, too much time passed for him to reasonably respond. As it often happened, he didn't know what to say to that so he said nothing. She stormed off and slammed the door on her way out. Oh well.

* * *

Rey woke panting. Her sheets were damp. Her forehead covered in sweat. Her heart pounded like a steel drum against her ribs. She let out a long breath and laughed. She'd been dreaming about Kylo for weeks. Her body twitched at the thought of him ramming that giant cock into her. Size wasn't everything. She'd been with bigger blokes, but the talent… Kylo Ren knew how to use his hands.

She rolled out of bed to find the afternoon sun already low in the sky. When she'd first landed in the Big Apple she'd run through a slew of part time jobs in order to keep a roof over hear head and food in her system. It took a couple of years but she was finally back to that joyous place where she could support herself playing music. Further, it was the first time in her twenty three years of life she was master of her own destiny.

Her phone rang while she was in the shower. Depending on who it was she might have answered, but her hands were busy. Dreams weren't the only time she revisited that night. She called Rose back when she was done. Rose began singing the moment she answered.

"You are my suuun-shiiine, my only suuun-shiiine. You make me haaa-peee when skies are graaay."

Rey chuckled. "You called?"

"Pae Pae and I are going to Concordia tonight. You free?"

"Afraid not. I won't be free until week after next."

"Kylo Ren is playing," Rose teased. "You sure you can't stop in early?"

"Oh? Well then I definitely won't be there."

"Why not? I thought, and I'm paraphrasing here, you wanted to 'fuck him till his balls were empty'."

"Bollocks, luv. I called them bollocks. It's part of the game, Rosie. I can't go to him. Not yet."

"We're back to this? How many times do I have to tell you not to play with your food?"

"I've never had very good table manners."

Rose sighed. "I don't want a repeat of the Finn fiasco."

"Can't happen if we're not friends."

"Finn's still my friend," Rose chided. "It makes group outings difficult when he can't be in the same room with you."

Rey felt terrible. She hadn't meant to put Rose in a bad spot. It was why Rey had rules. People always got caught in the crossfire.

"I'm sorry, luv. I didn't meant to make your life difficult."

"Life is difficult by design. For your information Poe's been hanging out with your food lately. Which means it's only a matter of time until we're all a buddy-buddy. Unless this guy turns out to be a total jackass, we're looking at Finn all over again."

Rey wanted to be mad at Poe, but couldn't exactly blame him for taking an interest in Kylo. Poe was savvy. Kylo was talented. It was a good connection for both. Still, it was an unwanted wrinkle.

Rose sighed. "Just do me a favor. Don't over complicate this with your games and your rules and your boxes that you have to keep people in. A hump and dump is one thing, but I know you. You're gearing up with this guy. Just, be careful."

"I'll try. For your sake."

"I say this with all the love in my heart: you're going to die alone." Rose paused for dramatic effect. "And your cooch is probably going to fall off."

"Awe, that's the nicest thing I think anyone's ever said to me."

"Gotta go. Love you, sunshine."

"You'll be there Saturday?"

"Of course! Love you."

"Love you too, Rosie."

* * *

Concordia was an accomplishment for Ben. They were very selective about who they brought in. Playing Canto Bight was opening doors for him. A hand slapped his back and he had to stop himself from swinging first and asking questions later. He was very glad of those years of training because decking this particular person would have been a very bad idea.

"Hey, buddy!" Poe was all smiles. "A couple of my friends want to meet you if that's cool."

Ben nodded. Any friend of Poe's was probably a good friend to have. He knew more people in the New York City music scene than anyone Ben had met. Concordia was laid out like an opera house, complete with private boxes along the second floor. Poe led Ben into one.

"This is Rose and her sister Paige. You know Ello. And this is Kay. Everyone, this is Ben."

Kay slid up to him. "The man beneath the mask."

"Nice to meet you."

"My pleasure." She replied, practically purring.

"My sister found your SoundCloud a few months back and when we realized you were in New York we had to go see you." Rose said.

"I loved, loved, loved, 'Vode An.'" Paige added. "Ask my sister. I played that one song on repeat for like a week."

"Thanks." Ben chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm glad you liked it."

"When are you gonna put out an EP? I'd love to buy it." Kay said.

"Eh, I'm not there yet. I'm still playing around with things."

"You should, man," Poe said. "It'll be great."

Ben shrugged. "I will when I'm ready."

"Have you talked to him about the F.U.N yet?" Kay asked.

"I was just about to," Poe replied.

"Fun?" Ben asked.

"Yeah. It's a—"

Ben's phone began to ring. "Sorry, I'm meeting someone here. This is her. Are you guys gonna stick around after the set?"

"We'll be here," Poe said.

He heard Rose chuckle and say, "Cut from the same cloth." Ben looked up at that. "You and Rey."

"Who?"

"She's talking about Jakku," Poe said.

"Oh. We're not a first name basis."

"I heard," Rose said.

Her smile spoke volumes. Jakku had been talking about him. Good things by the look of it. He said his goodbyes and rushed out to meet his date. He had to skirt around the dance floor on the ground level and being out there in the press of bodies felt good. This was his life. This was who he was.

No more hiding.

* * *

Alaine tasted like Amaretto and lime. Her lips were soft and luscious and Rey wanted to make them quiver. She had some time before her set and Corellia was the exactly the kind of club where one could get up to no good.

"Come with me." Rey said into the girls ear and lead her off the dance floor.

In the early nineties Corellia had been called I Spy and had a labyrinth of hidden hallways, trick wall panels, and little hidey holes where anyone could disappear for a while. A sniff here, a suck there. No one would be any the wiser. That's what had gotten it shut down. The new owners demolished most of the offending spaces to open up the dance floor, but a precious few still existed in the margins and Rey had long since learned where all of them were.

They ran up to the second floor, past the Falcon Room and the window booths. She scanned the area, looking for the entrance. It was hard to pick out in the dark but she knew where to look if she lined it up with the third floor landing. It was just… She smiled. It must be her birthday. Kylo was standing at the railing overlooking her preferred hiding spot. She knew there was no cover above the alcove because she'd stood exactly where he was and watched a couple rut in the booth. She also knew that if she stood in the just the right spot, no one else would see them.

Two for the price of one. Rey pulled her lady friend toward the curtains and made eye contact with Kylo just before slipping through the trick panel. She watched as his eyes darted around until she angled Alaine into position. Her lips parted when her back hit the wall and Rey seized them. She dipped her tongue into Alaine's mouth and ran it along the roof of her mouth.

Alaine's hands slid into the backs of Rey's jeans. Rey in turn slipped her hand under Alaine's shirt. She had small breasts like Rey's. Enough to get her hand around. She pinched Alaine's nipple and was rewarded with a gasp, but it wasn't enough. Rey pulled her tank down - no bra, no need - and took Alaine's nipple into her mouth. She flicked her tongue across it, then turned her head just enough to see if anyone was watching. Lucky for her, someone was.

Illuminated by the track lighting above the railing, Rey could see the mixture of surprise and amusement plain on Kylo's face. His lips parted in the beginnings of a smile, index finger curling loosely against his upper lip, eyes devouring every inch of the two bodies writhing below him in the dark. That look was more of an aphrodisiac than anything she'd done all night. She knew what she needed to do.

She pulled Alaine's tank top up over hear head. Before it could clear her face she twisted the girls arms in it and leaned into her ear. "I want you just like this. I want your mouth and your tits," Rey slid her hand up Alaine's skirt, "and your beautiful cunt. I want you to feel everything I do, but you mustn't look. Will you do that for me?"

Alaine nodded. She looked up at Kylo. His chest dropped in what she chose to imagine was a delighted sigh. Rey slid her fingers into Alaine's thong and was pleased to find her wet and warm and very excited. She kept her eyes on Kylo as she worked her fingers up and down Alaine's pussy. Sliding up to her clit and down to her opening in measured strokes. All the while Rey imagined Kylo growing hard for her. Imagined the things he might do if he were down there with them.

Rey leaned into Alaine again. "You have to promise not look. I'll be watching."

"Uh-huh," Alaine whimpered.

Rey released Alaine's arms and she rested them on her head. Her face was still completely obscured save her lovely, kissable lips. Rey took one last taste before traveling south to parts unknown. She slid her hands down Alaine's legs, kissing her thigh, her knee. Then moved back up as Kylo watched her. God she loved that he was watching. It made her body tingle knowing he could see everything, but not touch. Soon. But not yet.

It was torture to look away but there was a woman in need of her attention and Kylo didn't seem too interested in going anywhere. Rey had to shimmy Alaine's pleather skirt up to get at the bounty beneath. She had a lovely little pussy. Pouty lips and a tiny pink clit that throbbed when Rey spread her open. She kissed just above the clit and Alaine whimpered. She licked along one of her lips; Alaine mewled. When she took Alaine's clit into her mouth she looked up again at their silent participant and sucked.

Alaine shuddered and Rey was almost certain Kylo did too. His hands were gripping the railing so hard she could see the tension all the way across his forearm. He watched with wild eyes as Rey devoured Alaine, while Rey imagined what his lips would feel like between her legs. She still didn't know, but she desperately wanted to find out. She remembered the way he'd bitten her inner thigh and the memory alone was enough to make her moan. Alaine moaned with her.

Kylo's eyes darted away to the space on the other side of the wall. He met her eye again, held his fingertips up to his mouth and tapped his smirking lips. They'd heard on the other side. Even over the steady drone of the music. She pulled her head back and blew him a kiss in thanks. She could get away with a lot in this club, but she didn't want to be kicked out. Corellia was one of her favorite places and there was nothing like a Corellian fuck.

Rey stood covering Alaine's mouth with her hand. "You must be quiet darling or they'll hear you. Nod if you understand me?" Alaine nodded. "Good."

Rey plunged her fingers into Alaine's body and felt her spasm. She drove her fingers in and out, rubbing Alaine's clit with her thumb. Mumbling dirty, sweet nothings in Alaine's ear while fucking Kylo with her eyes. Rey was so distracted by her silent lover that Alaine's orgasm caught her off guard. One moment she was panting and the next she was squirting all over Rey's hand. Rey brought that hand up to her lips and sucked the juices from it, her eyes on him. Only him. He leaned away from the railing for a moment and returned with a drink, which he held up in salute. Then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As before, all commenters are welcome here. I'm still in the market for beta readers and new friends in this insane fandom I've been sucked into (kicking and screaming, I swear). Feel free to PM here, drop in with a comment or follow me on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.


	4. I Will, I Won't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The libido war has reached a turning point as both sides consider a new approach to their battle. Things are about to get vicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! 
> 
> First and foremost I want to apologize in advance. There is no smut in this chapter and there are 2 others that will be smut free (7 and 8). I can say this with absolute certainty because I have completed Act 1 which will mark the end of the Cut the Noise story. I may continue into Act 2 in the future, but I assure you there is a real ending waiting at the end of this rainbow. I need to work out a few story kinks that have been frustrating me and I have other Reylo projects on the fire that I want to get back to. Two that are more than 50% done but have not seen the light of day. Please also note I've posted a chapter count and will maintain weekly publishing on Wednesdays going forward with chapter 9 dropping on 10/10/2018.
> 
> Finalizing this arc meant moving things around, which meant I ended up going with a different song for this chapter as the scenes settled into their final order. Today's episode is brought to you by 'Conflicted' which has been one of my anthems for these two. Thank you to Brit for continuing your amazing work as beta. 
> 
> I have revived some of my favorite _Legends_ characters in this chapter. They are near and dear to my heart and I hope you enjoy the spin they bring to this story. Also, there's a little at the Force's role in this story. Let me know if you catch. I felt like I used a hammer, but maybe not. Either way I'd love to know. :)
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNING**  
>  I'm not sure it's needed, but better safe than sorry on this one. If you have strong opinions about child rearing and what is/isn't age appropriate please be cognizant of the 3rd (final) scene in this chapter. There is a 12 year old who is exposed to subjects some people might not consider suitable for his age.

_Ooo, you were really really good last night_  
_Ooo, I could do that twenty something more times_  
_And I, I know better than to play along then you came along_  
_And I, oh I'm thinking maybe I should call you but no_  
_'Cause now's not the time to be hasty_  
_Oh my God, oh goodness gracious_  
_I'm so damn close I can taste ya_  
_And I hate that…_  
_-Conflicted, Halestorm_

* * *

 

"Holy shit it's huge!" Rey said.

"Yes, but look at all that meaty goodness," Rose replied.

"It's so big around I'm not sure I can even fit it in my mouth."

"You can take it. You know you want to."

"Well, yes but I'm not sure it will all fit. I'm a small woman. There so much room inside me. It's simple physics."

Rose threw her head back and cackled. "Bitch, I have watched you pack away more than this."

"That was different. This is…"

Rey stared at the enormous burrito uncertainly.

"I'll split it with you," Rose offered.

"Done."

As they turned toward the counter to order their Great American Challenge-sized burrito Rey noticed the bewildered expression on the woman standing behind them in line. She paused.

"Don't you hate it when you're thinking about food and all you can talk about is dick?" Rose ushered her lewd friend forward. "Wait!" Rey mimed struggling. "Now that we've chosen which cock I'm going to suck we need to decide on food."

"Shut up." Rose said, through laughter.

When they took up residence in a nearby booth, the woman from the line passed their table. She was still looking at Rey like an alien creature.

"Vagina." Rey whispered as she passed. The woman squeaked and sped away.

Rose's face scrunched up with giggles. "I love you."

"Love you too, Rosie." She stared down at their meal. "But not as much as I'm going to love going down on this burrito."

"I want you to put all my meat in your mouth," Rose said.

They laughed.

"How was Concordia?" Rey asked.

"Amazing! I met this nice boy who got really drunk and puked on my shoes. Then I met this nice girl who was so fucked up she kept forgetting my name. Then Poe drove Pae Pae and I home. The end."

"That's it?"

"Oh, they were doing their two for one Martini specials and you know how crazy I get for their lemon twist Martinis."

Rey nodded, waiting for more. Rose was going to make her squirm.

"Was there something else you wanted to know?" Rose cocked an eyebrow.

"Just curious how your night went." Rey shrugged.

Rose pointed a meat laden spork at Rey. "So, no lingering questions about a particular masked DJ whose bollocks you'd like to empty?"

"Was he there? I hadn't heard."

"He might have be—."

"Oh for fuck sake tell me!"

Rose sat back in her seat, eyeing Rey suspiciously. "Bit twitchy aren't we?"

"Rose…" Rey warned.

"He was amazing." Rose leaned in. "He played 'Vode An' for Pae Pae."

"I fucking love that song. God, I wish I'd mixed it."

"He's really funny too, in a sarcastic, self-deprecating kinda way." Rose rolled her eyes. "You know how Poe is, always looking for the right approach vector with people. He asked him about the mask. And Ben says, 'it's to cover my huge ears.' You should have seen his face. Total dead pan. Poe was trying to convince him his ears weren't that big. It took like ten minutes for Poe to realize he was being fucked with."

"How is that funny? He really does have enormous ears. I'm pretty sure they can be seen from orbit."

"Oh, shut up. You had to be there. I wish you had been. You missed a great night."

"It's alright. I got mine."

"Yeah?"

"Remember that girl I met at the Jingle Ball? Alaine?"

"Oh I had such filthy dreams about that girl for weeks." Rose's eyes rolled back in pleasure.

"So I ran across her last night. And…" She waved Rose in and whispered the cliff notes into her ear.

"Noooooo!" Rey beamed. "You… filthy… slut!" Rose beamed right back. "Holy shit. Wow. But, wow." She fanned herself with a napkin. "Is it me or did it just get hotter in here?" Rey wiggled her eyebrows. "So then what are you gonna do this weekend? I mean, how the hell are you going to top that?"

"I'll work it out. Everything in its good time. That poor man and his poor blue balls."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. He wasn't alone at Concordia."

Rey gasped, utterly scandalized. "Wasn't he?" She clasped her hands together and looked to the heavens. "Please tell me he was with a man. Please. Pretty please."

"Sorry. She was a pair of tits on legs. Kind of an airhead too. Though she wasn't with him after the set." Rose tilted her head sideways. "I'm pretty sure the two of you are cut from the same cloth."

"God I hope so," Rey moaned. "I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out."

"Then don't," Rose whined. "Just do it. Stop playing games and do it."

"You're right." Rey clicked her fork against her teeth. "You're absolutely right. Fuck it. Fuck him."

"That's my girl!"

* * *

She felt that tingling sensation on the back of her neck. The one where the hairs stood at attention. Rey turned and there he was at the far end of the room. A walking wet dream in black. Her mind was made up. She and Rose had spent the better part of the week texting each other all the scandalous things she would do to him.

Rey smiled at Kylo Ren. The corner of his lip quirked up. His attention was called away a moment later by another woman. She slid her arm around his waist and he draped his across her shoulders. Her short dark hair was expertly styled to highlight the sharp angles of the cut. Her wide hips and narrow shoulders giving her that pear shape that so many men seemed to like.

She sighed. Not tonight, then. She tried to ignore the disappointment, but it lingered all the same. They whispered to each other. Their eyes turned back to her. The woman smiled, waving. Rose threw herself onto Rey's back a moment later. When she noticed Kylo she waved him over.

"What are you doing?" Rey seethed.

"Saying hello to my _friend_." Rose put extra emphasis on the last word. "Hey!"

"Hello," he replied. "This is Delila. Delila, Rose and…"

"Jakku, right? She's the DJ we were listening to at your apartment?"

Kylo nodded.

"We got a table in the back if you wanted to sit with us," Rose offered.

For a fraction of a second Rey thought she saw him hesitate.

"Sure." He turned to the woman next to him. "If that's alright with you."

"Sounds great." Delila took Rose's arm. "I've never really been to a rave before…"

Rey tuned her out as they disappeared into a side room of the unnamed warehouse.

"Ladies first." Kylo said.

Rey remembered the last time he'd said those words to her. She had to fight the overwhelming urge to climb him like a stripper pole and start grinding. It was disgusting how much she wanted him. It wouldn't hurt to give herself a little something though. She reached for his chin, digging her nails into his cheeks.

"Such a good little boy." She said and turned.

He walked beside her. "How are you feeling?"

"Feeling?"

He leaned closer. "I did hit you pretty hard."

"Oh! Someone's rather proud of himself."

"I haven't been the one talking," he chuckled.

Rey tossed her head back and laughed. She was going to kill Rose. For a certainty. There would be death. Lots of death.

"There they are!" Kay said.

Rose pulled Rey aside and whispered a warning. "Abort the mission."

"I have," she whispered back but Rose looked skeptical.

"So how do you two know each other?" Poe asked, pointing at Kylo and Delila.

"We met online," Delila said. "It's out first date."

Rose's hand clamped down on Rey's, who had to bite her tongue to keep her opinions from spewing out. When she caught Rose's eyes she gave her friend a look that she hoped fully communicated the thought _'See, I can behave.'_

"Oh, don't let the resident malcontent hear you say that!" Poe said.

Instantly, Poe was forgiven all his past transgressions. Rey could hardly be expected to hold her tongue when the door was so _obviously_ opened for her.

"What do you mean?" Delila asked.

Kylo was already looking at Rey, his lips pursed. His eyes sparkling. She wondered if he really could read minds.

"Damn it, Poe!" Paige smacked him in the arm.

Rey held her hands out in mock surrender. "I won't say anything."

"It's alright," Delila said. "I get it. A lot of people think online dating is stupid, but it's the easiest way to meet other people in the poly community. It's not like you can walk into a club, meet a guy and say 'Hey, is it cool if I also date other people?' It usually doesn't go well."

Rey smiled like the cat that ate the canary. "I don't have a problem with meeting people on the internet. It's the dating that I find ridiculous." Poe was chuckling. He held similar opinions on this particular subject and just loved to sick Rey on unsuspecting victims.

"How so?" Kylo asked.

"Dating is an elaborate deception. Two people on their best behavior hiding everything about themselves that makes us interesting as people. Pretending to be better, cleaner, smarter than they really are. All to convince a stranger to sleep with them. What do you really talk about on a first date? Honestly? Your careers? Your favorite pictures? All those empty hopes and dreams that you'll never fulfil but they make you sound ambitious? 'I've always wanted to go to Japan.' 'I've always wanted to write a screenplay.' Tosh. Dates are falsehood. You don't really get to know someone until things get dirty."

"I couldn't agree with you more!" Delila leaned in. "First dates are all shit. I say that to every guy I meet." She turned to Kylo. "Didn't I say that?"

"You did." He nodded.

"That's why I wanted to see him perform. This is his element, you know? I asked him, what's the most important thing to you in your life? He said music and here we are."

"And you? What's the most important thing in your life?" Rey asked.

Kylo watched impassively. His face as much a mask as the apparatus he wore on stage. She wished she could read him as easily as he seemed to read her. She had to remind herself that it wasn't what she really wanted.

"Travel! I'm a journalist. I love going to different places. Getting into the culture. You learn the most about yourself when you step away from everything you think you know and find an outside perspective. It's crazy to realize how the rest of the world sees Americans." Delila held her hand out to Rey. "Wouldn't you agree? I'm guessing Londoner by your accent? Southern?"

"London by way of Brighton, yes." Rey nodded. Most Americans couldn't tell the difference between one British accent and another. This woman paid attention. She'd also hit on a truth that Rey found fundamental, sometimes you needed to get away to find yourself. She was impressed.

"Unfortunately, it's not good first date material and most guys don't seem to like going to museums. Which is a shame."

"I offered," Kylo said.

"Play your cards right and we might." Delila ran her hand over his thigh.

The conversation splintered off. With relative strangers hanging about it felt a bit like they were all on a first date. Her friends were certainly on their best behavior. She didn't have time for that. She'd much rather open on the madness. If no one got scared then no one got hurt. Why bother pretending? When Kay pulled Rey from the chatter to dance it was a relief.

She left those thoughts at the edge of the dance floor. Out there, there was only one focus. One power controlling the universe. It flowed through every living being and held them in its sway. The universal equilibrium. She gave herself over to the music.

* * *

New York City hadn't been an entirely arbitrary choice for Ben. There were other places across the country - hell, across the world - he could have gone to start over. Any place with a rich local music scene, good art scene, big city feel, even mass transit was on his checklist. There were no shortages of places, but NYC had one thing none of those others had.

He stepped up to the apartment building and ran his thumb along the call buttons until he reached the word 'SOLO.' The occupant buzzed him in immediately. The building was one of those old single family units converted into a handful of smaller apartments. He wound his way up the square staircase past the ancient service elevator that no one trusted. On the fourth floor landing he found the door already cracked open. In the sliver of light coming through he could see one blue eye and a section of sandy hair peeking out at him.

"BEN!" The child vaulted through the door and slammed into him with the full force of his weight.

"Hey Ani." Ben ruffled the boy's hair. "Have you grown?"

The child beamed up at him from his chest. "Yup!"

Another face appeared in the door, then its twin. These were the faces of the family Ben spent most of his life never knowing he had. His twin half siblings Jacen and Jaina. Their little brother Anakin, with whom Ben shared no blood tie, but who'd taken to Ben like a brother regardless.

"Dinner's almost ready." Jaina said, waving Ben into the apartment.

Meeting Jacen was a happy accident. They'd run across each other at one of Jacen's gallery showing while Ben was passing through New York on a concert tour and gotten along well from the start. When they realized their shared surname was no coincidence they'd driven headlong into a friendship that would become the first step in Ben's new life. Three years later he was building a new kind of family.

Jacen jostled Ben as he entered the apartment. "What's up? I listened to that new track you sent me. Holy shit, bro."

"It was banging!" Anakin said. The twelve year old was a sponge. Picked up everything he heard, including many of Jacen's less savory habits.

"Glad you liked it." Ben replied as he settled into the dining room of Jaina's tiny two-bedroom apartment. She'd become Anakin's guardian after their mother died. In the absence of either father, the twins or Anakin's, there was no one else to do the job. Ben felt that pang of regret he often did when he thought about the lives they each led. His privileged upbringing and the solitude that came with it. Their difficult life, but the comfort they took in each other. It reminded Ben that in the balance maybe nobody had it all good all the time. "So, what's up with your next gallery showing?"

"Still looking for a spot." Jacen scratched his head. "I'm hoping I find something soon."

Jaina put chips and dip on the table and sat with them. "What about you? How's poly working out?"

"It's kind of not," he admitted. "I thought, maybe, if I met women who were more open about relationship they'd be…"

"Freaks in bed?" Jaina crooked an eyebrow. He was embarrassed to get caught in such a stupid assumption, but that was life.

"I fucking told you!" Jacen pointed an accusatory finger at his brother. "This is New York City, bro. Every woman here is sexually liberated and doesn't need a man to tie her down."

"Excuse you," Jaina warned.

"You know what I meant," Jacen snapped.

"I know what you _said_ ," Jaina countered.

"Fine! I'm sorry." Jacen threw his hands in the air. "My point is, a lot of the chicks on those sites are just looking for a little freedom. A chance to play the field, but in the end they'll land in one place and go the traditional route. You need to be looking in other places. We know a couple of people in the fetish scene who could help you out."

"Whoa…" Ben began.

"Not this again," Jaina huffed.

"Hang on, hear me out." Jacen leaned across the table. "All that shit your therapist told you about hitching your wagon and looking for someone to put on a pedestal…"

"Yeah?" Ben felt an abject terror grip him. This is what it meant to have people you told your dark secrets to. People who gave enough of a damn to help you with them. It meant unwanted help. Unsolicited advice. Awkward recommendations. It was all new to him.

"That's some straight up sub shit. You need a dom." Jaina rolled her eyes at her brother.

Ben nearly spat out his chips. "A dominatrix? Look man, I'm not looking for a chick to spank me and stomp on my balls."

Anakin snorted. He was at that age where Jaina, who was not so sexually conservative herself, had begun to open up with the boy about the subject. She preferred to be up front about it. It had served her well thus far. Ben certainly wished he'd had a few more awkward sex talks at that age. Highschool and college would have been less painful.

"No, bro. Just a dominant person. It's a dynamics thing, right? I'm not the right person to explain it, but we've got this friend who totally could. I could set you up with her."

"Like a date?" Ben asked. He wasn't sure he liked where this was going.

"It wouldn't be a date," Jaina said. "She's actually really into community outreach. Kind of a fetish ambassador. It's great because she lives this totally normal life, she just also happens to be into kink. She gives the lifestyle a face that people can identify with. I may disagree with my brother's intentions, but I think you two would get along."

Ben nodded. Jaina was the more reasonable of the two. "Alright."

"Sweet!" Jacen said.

"I'll inviter her over the next time you come for dinner," Jaina added.

"Thanks," Ben said. Jaina waved him off. He turned to Anakin. "What about you? How's school?"

"It fucking sucks," Anakin replied.

"Language," Jaina warned.

"You guys say it," Anakin whined.

"I'm a fucking adult," Jaina replied. "But even I have to watch my mouth around certain people. When I'm at work I don't get to say 'fuck' in front of my boss. When you're at home you don't get to say it in front of your boss. There's a time and place for everything. Learn it."

Anakin sulked. "Yes, ma'am."

"Love you, kiddo," Jaina said.

"Love you too."

"Now tell Ben why school sucks," Jaina said. "I'm going to check on the roast. It should be done."

Anakin flew into an animated story about the girl he was friends with, how he'd fallen madly in love with her, the asshole boyfriend (he whispered it so Jaina wouldn't hear) she had, how horribly wrong they were for each other, the way this kid and his friends bullied Anakin, and how he was hatching a convoluted plan to win this girl's affections.

"… and then I'm gonna do that John Cusack thing with the boombox. Priceless!" Anakin finished his story with a huff.

"You know, she probably hasn't seen _Say Anything_ so it might not have the impact you're looking for." Ben tried not to come off as condescending when he said it. He didn't want to completely derail the kid.

Jacen didn't have that problem. "What Ben's too nice to say is you're going to come off as creepy and her parents are probably going to call the police if you show up in the middle of night and break the noise ordinance. Besides, you can't force her to see that the guy's a jackass. She probably already knows that and she's dating him anyway. The whole thing could backfire."

"I hadn't thought of that." Anakin pursed his lips, eyes darting across the table as he tore through the stages of his plan to account for this new wrinkle. He jumped up. "Back to the lab! I gotta come up with new plan." He darted down the hall and slammed the door of his bedroom behind him.

"That kid is fearless," Jacen said. "I would have been a puddle of goo over this girl and probably would have cried like a bitch if someone told me my plan sucked."

"Me too," Ben chuckled. "I mean, even in college I was a mess around girls. I'm pretty sure I still am."

"Except for that one." Jacen wiggled his eyebrows.

"I don't know." Ben had mentioned his favorite DJ to Jacen.

"What happened to 'I don't feel weird around her'?" Jacen prompted.

Ben shrugged. "I mean… I guess. I don't. I just feel like myself. I don't always know the right thing to say or do, but I don't stand there for twenty minutes thinking about it either. I just say it or do it. Like I don't need to have a filter with her. Not that it's getting me anywhere."

"You seen her again? Since New Years?"

"A few times."

"And?"

Ben ran his hand across his mouth. He wasn't sure where he should even begin. "She's insane. Next level insane. Couple weeks ago I went to one of her shows and just before her set she pulls me into a dark corner, dry humps the shit out of me then takes off. And the other night…" He let out a long breath. "It's like we had this one insane night and she's been teasing me ever since. On the one hand it's great. On the other… I don't know."

"Get after it, bro."

"It's not like that." Ben shook his head. "This is a game for her. She won't even tell me her real name. I mean, I know it because I've met her friends, but there's this distance she's keeping. When I'm with her the world fucking stops and the only thing in the room is her. It seems like I get that same reaction out of her, but when I try to get closer she pulls back. I'm not gonna lie, I love the game, I'm just not sure if it's ever going to move past it and she's in my head. I don't think I can keep this up."

Jaina appeared with a bowl of salad and a plate of vegetables. "I'm with Jacen," she said. "Just do it. The next time you see her take control. You be the one that pulls back. Say something if you have to. Ask her what she's looking for, or don't, but don't let her dick you around. She wants to be a cock tease. You be an even bigger cunt tease. See what she does. If she bolts on you then you made it out unscathed. If she jumps on you, then you take the next step. Either way you're not torturing yourself anymore." She chuckled. "Funny, it feels like I just gave this same advice to a twelve year old. No, get your asses up the table's not going to set itself. Ani!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I've added links to the SW references I make and will be doing so going forward (as well as retroactively adding them in previous chapters). Enjoy!
> 
> [The Great American Challenge (NSFW)](https://www.amazon.com/Doc-Johnson-Classic-American-Challenge/dp/B002E9I0F2?th=1) | [Concordia](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Concordia) | [Jaina Solo](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jaina_Solo_Fel) | [Jacen Solo (Darth Caedus)](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Caedus) | [Anakin Solo](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Anakin_Solo)
> 
> As always, all commenters are welcome here. I'm still in the market for beta readers and new friends in this insane fandom I've been sucked into (kicking and screaming, I swear). With a couple of other stories on the horizon I would love to meet some new people willing to take a crack at proofing so feel free to drop in with a comment, shoot me an e-mail (available in my profile) or send me a PM on Tumblr @thoseindarkness


	5. Bring the Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a play for the high ground, but the battle is far from over. As he and Rey draw closer together a crisis is coming. What will they choose and will it be a choice made with their big brains or their little ones?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! Today's chapter was brought to you by the letter P for 'Painkiller' another kick ass song off the _Vicious_ album. There is an element of addiction to it that worked so well for this chapter. Thank you to Brit for continuing your amazing work as beta. 
> 
> Also in this chapter is a thing I lifted straight from TLJ. I tried to describe it as best I can and hopefully it will play in the interaction between Ben and Rey. Please let me know if you catch it. I will squeal like a little girl.

_Just a dose to remedy the taking away the death of me_   
_I get a buzz to feel alive, I get a rush deep inside_   
_Just a touch is all I need to trigger the sweetest dopamine_   
_You're taking away the death of me_   
_I can hit it, quit it, not addicted, you know it's a lie_   
_-Painkiller, Halestorm_

* * *

Backstage at Ilum it was always freezing cold but Ben didn't mind. He was plenty warm. Jakku's fingers tightened in his hair, yanking him free of her neck. She pushed off the wall and slammed him into the other side attacking his mouth before he could catch his breath. Forced to steal the breath from her lungs he sucked down every dizzying gulp.

She reached around him, plunging her hands into his pants to grab his ass, pulling him against her. He pulled her shirt up over her bra, yanked the offending cup away, and bit down on her breast. She cried out, scratching up the length of his back. Her hands slid around and down to his waistband. He took her nipple between his teeth and tugged as she slipped her hand into his pants. Strong fingers wrapped around the head of his dick, working him in her palm. He grunted. Shocks of pleasure ran through him with each clench of her fist. Two could play at that game.

Ben grabbed her ass and lifted her in the air, releasing her grip on him. He shifted back to where they'd started. She hit the wall with grunt. He spread her legs wide, her skirt bunching around her waist and ground himself against her as though there was no barrier between them. Thrust after thrust. Rubbing himself against the thin panties. Her head flew back. She was moaning wildly now. Neither of them gave a fuck who could see. The whole club could come roaring down the hall and it wouldn't have stopped them.

She turned her head toward the nearby door. The broom closet. He knew what she wanted. Knew what came next. He slid her back down to the floor and she took his hand, pulling him toward the closet. He pulled her back. She snapped into him like a yo-yo, squeaking in surprise. He leaned into her ear.

"Are you ready to play a different game?"

He turned around and walked back into the club.

* * *

Rey could still feel the words vibrating into her chest. _"Are you ready to play a different game?"_ Ilum was just the first. Then there was the dressing room at Geonosis and his trip into the ladies toilet at Ryloth. Each time he'd driven her to near frenzy then left. And not just left _her_. He'd walked out of the club entirely. It had taken her a while to figure out what he was after.

She's been making all the moves for weeks. He'd been chasing her and she let him, staying just out of reach. Now he was on the offensive. If she wanted him, she was going to have to go to him. He'd done it so expertly she didn't even mind that he'd turned the tables. Suddenly her food was playing with her and she liked it.

Rey hadn't so much as walked into Starkiller in years. The place was the same sanitized, shiny chrome monstrosity she remembered. It always felt too clean to her. Too neat and orderly. She never understood why Rose liked it so much. It was the kind of club that chose one DJ for the night and Rose had already told her that Kylo took breaks.

Rey planned the whole thing out meticulously. She was going to make herself known to him then wander off for a while and when he least expected it show up in a place he couldn't run. Two breaks in, it was time to spring her trap. Rey took a circuitous route into the back. She had to make eyes at the bouncer and drop a few names to get in, but she got she wanted. There was no club door that stayed closed to her for long. Despite how long it had been, she remembered the way to the changing room. The door was cracked open.

When she looked inside he was waiting. Maybe he _could_ read minds. Or maybe he'd just waited like that between every set. Given the unsurprised look on his face she was guessing the former. She let herself enjoy the show for a moment. He was strewn out across a leather loveseat, one arm propped behind his head, the other trailing on the floor, bare chested and bare footed. She wanted to taste every inch of his exposed skin.

"Are we having fun yet?" Rey hip checked the door and leaned against the frame.

Kylo's lips spread into a wide smile. "I'm having an inordinate amount of fun. I really should have tried this sooner. I can see why you like it so much."

"Oh wipe that self-satisfied smile off your face." Rey rolled her eyes.

"Why should I? You're here."

"I could leave…"

His grin only widened. "You could, but I'm not so sure you will."

"And why is that?"

"Because you want something." The muscles in his stomach flexed as he pulled himself upright on the sofa. "So tell me, what do you want, Jakku?"

She stepped into the room, examining her shoes as she did. "I felt like getting out of the house for the evening." He didn't look convinced, but said nothing. Silence spread out between them. This was not going as she'd expected. "To be honest I'm not much for small talk."

"Then stop talking."

She raised an eyebrow at that. "Excuse me?"

"What do you want, Jakku?"

"I came to see your set."

He pursed his lips and shook his head. They both knew why she'd come but he was still playing. Still waiting. He wouldn't give in until the lioness had wrapped her jaw around his neck and begun to squeeze. If that's what he wanted she could oblige him. She took the few steps to the coffee table in front of him. The heels of her booties clicked on the polished floor like a metronome _, tack, tack, tack._ She stepped onto the coffee table, swung her leg over and dropped onto it, sitting across from him.

Rey leaned in. "If I didn't come to watch you play, then why am I here?"

"That's what I wanna know." He leaned back putting his hands behind his head. "What do you want?"

Rey slid her hands up his thighs, climbing into his lap. He didn't move. Didn't so much as flinch. She raked her fingernails up his sides and he shivered. That was the reaction she was looking for. She reached up into his hair but before she could weave it through her fingers he'd taken her wrists and pinned them behind her back. He was leaning into her now. Eyes dark and hungry. Body flush with hers. Lips parted ever so slightly.

"What do you want?" He whispered.

"You."

The intensity seemed to abate at the revelation. He stared at her curiously, as though he was only seeing her for the first time. Like she was some new and interesting phenomenon and he wanted to get a closer look. His eyes trailed over her nose, across her lips, up her cheek, past her ears, and into her hair.

"I'm not sure what it is about you but you're in my head and I can't get you out."

"I was just thinking the same thing." Rey's voice came out as barely more than a shaking whisper. "Can you read my mind, Kylo?"

"No, but I have a good guess what's on it."

"And are you going to give me what I want? Or are you going to make me work for it?"

His gaze shot past her to the far wall. "We don't have that kind of time."

"I can work very quickly when necessary." With her arms pinned behind her she had to spread her knees to get the right leverage. She rolled her hips into his. He pulled her upright to stop her doing it again.

"I have a feeling if I give you what you want right now you won't be here when I get back." He was right of course, but she wasn't going to tell him that. "I don't want to go another several rounds with you, Jakku. I can't fucking handle it."

Her chest tightened. There was a gravely edge to his voice. A desperation that made her ache. It was more than physical.  He gripped the waistband of her jeans from the back and slid her up his chest until her neck was bared. Rey had expected to be the one wrapping her jaw around his neck, but she was the one exposed. As he teeth sunk into the meat she felt like she was drowning.

Kylo Ren was a madness she'd never faced before. She wanted him so badly her whole body was throbbing and her soul was crying out. He'd come out of nowhere and set her whole world ass over tea kettle and she was starting to realize she liked it that way.

"Then—" She gasped as he ran his tongue over her skin. "Then no more games."

"I'm listening." He moved to the other side of her neck and kissed it lightly. She could barely think around his warm breath on her skin. His long fingers tugged at the back of her shirt, even as they held her fast. The fabric began to recede exposing her collar to him. He latched on to her, lips and tongue worrying at her skin. "You were saying?"

"We could come—" He trailed tongue along her collar bone and into the hollow of her throat. "Come to an arrangement." He slid her up further, kissing a line down her chest.

"What kind of—"

A chirping noise filled the air. Kylo sighed into her chest. She knew that noise. It was the alarm on his phone that had so rudely interrupted them all those weeks ago. It seemed like a lifetime. She thought she'd been torturing him, but really, she'd been torturing herself. The pressure on her wrists abated though he kept his arms around her.

"Will you be here when I get back?" He said it tentatively, as though he were genuinely afraid of the answer.

She had to slide herself back down to meet his eye. Words were never Rey's strength. She was better at showing than telling. Her hands meandered into his hair, ruffling it gently. Pressing her fingertips into the scalp. His eyes fluttered closed. His lips pursed and she took them with a soft press of her own.

* * *

It took every ounce of self-control Ben possessed not to go screaming down the hall and back into the dressing room. He couldn't do that. He needed the time to think. Jaina had been abso-fucking-lutely right about how to play his hand and Jakku had come to him. But what to do next? He knew what he wanted. More. Plain and simple. More than just the chase. More than catch and release. What would she give? What would be enough?

He'd asked himself these questions a million times, but never came up with answers. Each time he pushed the thoughts away. No point in hoping if she never responded. He'd never really expected it to work. Turning the tables was a dangerous gambit with a woman like her… but she'd come to him. So how much was enough? He leaned against the wall, scrubbing his hands across his face. Wanting her was like spiraling inexorably into madness. There were no handholds, no ledges, no way to break the fall.

Before he did anything else he needed to figure out which monster he was going to feed first. There was the monster in his head demanding he get answers before giving her one more ounce of himself. Ego was a selfish prick.

_Draw the line._

_Pick the fight._

_Put yourself first._

Then there was the other monster. It didn't want to think. It only wanted to feed. It whispered that in the balance _he_ was most likely to get them what they wanted. Fuck first. Ask questions later. Maybe in the afterglow things would be easier. If not, at least it wouldn't be a completely wasted effort. Ben wasn't a saint, but he wasn't sure he was that much of a scoundrel either.

The next move was far from decided when he heard the echo of heels down the hall. _Tack, tack, tack._ She appeared a moment later. It was like listening to all the air as it was sucked out of the room. Everything faded until even the monsters in his head were silent. The only sound in existence was his own breathing. She hesitated for a fraction of a second, a stutter in her step, but caught herself quickly disappearing into the dressing room.

His legs were moving before he could command them. His arms were throwing the door closed behind him before he could stop himself. He was lifting her onto the vanity before his brain could catch up. He was kissing her and there was nothing else in the world.

How good was he? Not good enough.

Their bodies were a flurry of motion. Legs wrapped around his waist. Fingertips pressed into her thigh. Hands slid up his shirt. Teeth tugged at her bottom lip. Hips and tongues crashed against each other in a frenzy. She pulled his shirt up and he had to break away long enough to get it over his head, but only just. He reached behind him and slid her shoes away. The rattled noisily as they hit the ground with a hollow clap.

She leaned forward, running her lips across his chest. Biting at what flesh she could get teeth around until she found the nipple. She flicked her tongue across it and his stomach clenched. His hands were in her hair a second later. Pulling the three ties out until it spilled free between his fingers. She bit his nipple and his fingers tightened in her hair. The moan reverberated through his skin like an electric shock.

He pulled her head back. Her tongue still hanging out of her mouth as he took it. She tasted like whiskey and lust and a kind of magic he'd never tasted before. She unbuttoned his fly like a gold fucking medalist in the sport. He pulled back to a chorus of frustrated whines, but he ignored her. He wanted something first. What few conscious thoughts still flitted through his mind called out loud enough to remind him that if this was it, if this was the last chance he got, he had to taste her. All of her.

She made another grab for his pants and he pushed her arms against the mirror. She had such small wrists it was comically easy to hold them both in a one hand. She bucked against him, attacking his neck. He had to fight to get to her ear.

"I can't get these pants off you if you're fighting me."

She stilled. "Then you'll want the zipper at the back." She leaned into him, wrists still pinned to the mirror behind her. The fire in her eyes was intoxicating.

Ben saw the zipper in the reflection. Loosening them proved easier than removing them. He chuckled when he realized she'd worn nothing underneath. Out of pure curiosity he slid his hand up her shirt to discover she'd worn no undergarments at all. She pulled the shirt off on her own and leaned naked against the mirror, knees together. A Cheshire grin spread across her face.

"What do _you_ want, Kylo?"

There were so many answers to that question but none bubbled up to plague him. Only the one. So loud it drown out all the rest. He reached for her ass, pulling her to the edge of the counter then sliding his hands up her thighs to her knees. She placed her hands over his.

"I answered your question." She smiled and her tongue poked out between her teeth. "Will you answer mine?"

"You." He kissed her chin. "You." He kissed her jaw. "You." He spread her legs. "You." He whispered in her ear. "Just you." Her breath hitched in his ear as he slid his thumb between her legs. He closed his eyes as he worked his thumb between her folds. Her gasps of pleasure a different kind of music she made. For a moment he could savor the sensation of her fingers in his hair, her music in his ear, her warmth against his skin. Still, it wasn't enough.

She groaned unhappily when his hand slid back down her leg. Catching the backs of her knees, he pulled her ass just off the edge of the counter and slowly kissed his way down her thigh. She twitched and shuddered the closer he got to her center. Crooning when she was happy. Yelping when she was surprised. Fussing when she wanted more.

He bit the inside of her thigh as hard as he dared without breaking the skin and got what he hoped was the first of many screams. Her whole body lurched forward, thighs squeezing together. He released the pressure and she flopped back against the mirror panting, her eyes wild. He pried her open again without breaking eye contact. Letting his tongue linger in the crease between her thigh and her lips. He could see a thought forming in her mind. Words about to cross the threshold of her mouth. He didn't wait for them.

Ben ran his tongue along her in a single long stroke and her head fell back. Both of her hands were in his hair now, raking across his scalp. He did it a second time. This time more slowly, pressing his tongue harder against her. She was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted. He wrapped his arms around her muscular thighs and spread her lips, laying a feather kiss on her clit. Course hair tickled his nose. Her body arced away from the mirror, head back, eyes closed.

"Look at me." He whispered against her skin.

Her brow pinched slightly as she opened her eyes. In that moment, he knew what he wanted. The feral creature was still in there, pacing behind her eyes like caged animal waiting to be set loose again. But the look in her eye was all need. A desperation so deep, so primal that Ben could feel it in every muscle in his body. He felt it too. A need to connect. A need to feel. A need to shed all the falsehood and just be. He'd heard it in her voice at Canto Bight and in brief glimpses since. Even in the hall just now. When she'd faltered for just an instant it had peeked through. She always stamped it out before it took hold. He wanted that look and everything that came with it.

Keeping his eyes locked to hers, Ben took her into his mouth and ever so slowly ran his tongue over her clit. She kept his eye even as her body fought her. With each pass of tongue her legs tensed, her stomach constricted, her breath fled in pained huffs. Slowly her eyes lost their focus, lids growing heavier and heavier until all he had left was her furrowed brow. He sucked. She gasped. Her eyes flew open again. Head tilting. Back arching upward.

He released the pressure and began anew. When her breathing changed he brought his fingers to her opening. She nodded. "Yes. Please." He teased for a moment before giving her what she wanted. With his tongue working her clit and his fingers working her g-spot her body began to spasm randomly. Once or twice she clamped her legs together, trapping him in the circle of her thighs. Ben had tried this trick before with mixed success. Overstimulating past the point of orgasm to her plateaus. Each frenzied jerk a missed opportunity, but a new threshold. It was working with her and he couldn't be happier. It gave him a chance to study the tempo. Compose a crescendo. Lead her into the final movement.

When her breathing sped up again he backed away from her clit, finally ready to let her come. He worked under it. Over it. Ran in circles around it. Kept a steady flow with his fingers. In and out. Pressure at the end. She was nearly there. Her moaning rising in pitch. He breaths coming fast and shallow. Any moment now she would give him the final sign.

She held her breath.

He sped up the pace with his fingers and worked feverishly just under her clit. Passing over it, but careful not to go too far. He kept his eyes on her as her chest convulsed, desperate for air she would not give it. The whine started low in her throat and rose to a ragged scream as her walls began to pulse around his fingers. A tremor tore through her until she was bucking violently against him, trapping him between her legs. He watched in awe as she rode the waves of ecstasy.

When her screams transformed into laughter he knew she was done. She tugged at his hair, pulling him up to her. He meandered on the way back. Kissing her hip bone. Her stomach. Under her left breast. Above her right. She grew impatient around her shoulder blade and yanked his face to hers. Kissing him roughly and licking her juices from his chin.

She pulled back, searching his face. There was an openness to her smile. A contentment in her eyes. He'd never noticed the tension in her shoulders until it was gone. All the trappings had fallen away. This was her with all the moorings severed. This was her free.

"Color me impressed," Jakku said. "I haven't come that hard in years."

"Who was my completion?"

"A forty year old lesbian. You can't compete."

Ben smiled. "I can try."

"Oh, I hope you do."

She kissed him and, this time, when she reached for his pants he let her. He wasn't done listening to her scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ilum](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Ilum) | [Geonosis](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Geonosis) | [Ryloth](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Ryloth)
> 
> Thank you for reading! As always, all commenters are welcome here. I'm still in the market for beta readers and new friends in this insane fandom I've been sucked into (kicking and screaming, I swear). With a couple of other stories on the horizon I would love to meet some new people willing to take a crack at proofing so feel free drop in with a comment, shoot me an e-mail (available in my profile) or send me a PM on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.


	6. Hard To Resist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war comes to a close. As Rey and Ben deal with the aftermath of their choices they find that everything is way more complicated that they initially anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! Today's song is 'I'm Not An Angel' by Halestorm. I don't want to give too much away so let's just say there is an introspection and a reluctant repentance to it that properly channels what happens in the words to follow. Thank you to Brit and now Ian my awesome beta team. 
> 
> Writing the scene with Ben in the shower (you read that right) was the moment I first realized Ben's alignment. I wrote it a while ago and was just waiting to plug it into the right spot. Rey's came later and almost didn't end up in Act 1 until it ended up right here next to Ben's. These two really are meant for each other. I can't even write a fucking fan fic without them trying to balance each other out. I can honestly say one of my favorite things to do is find little ways to thread canon elements or concepts into the storytelling. I'd love to know if the hints worked. There are no wrong answers and I will squee like a little girl if someone finds them.

_You made a mistake_  
_On the day that you met me_  
_And lost your way_  
_You saw all the signs_  
_But you let it go_  
_You closed your eyes_  
_-I'm Not An Angel, Halestorm_

* * *

Rey couldn't think around the ragged panting in her ear. Sweat was sticking her back to the leather sofa and it chaffed with each thrust, but it hurt so good she didn't want Kylo to stop. She'd already come twice and she could feel it rising up in her again. That warmth deep inside her. That tingling in her extremities. He was so close though. Every muscle in his body was taught with the strain of trying to stave off his orgasm. He let out a pained whimper.

She reached for his hair. She wasn't sure why he loved it so much, but it was obvious he did. Her nails skated across his scalp and he cried out, but still he persisted. All she wanted was to watch him lose all that careful control. He'd been holding on so tight all night. Tamping down on the fire. She wanted to set it free. Wanted to feel the heat as the flames consumed them. She angled him closer.

"You're holding back," she whispered. "Tell me what do to. I want you to lose control."

She yelped as he threw one of her legs over his shoulder and pushed harder into her. His thumb trailed down to her clit.

"Come for me again and I will." It wasn't a difficult ask. She was close already.

"Harder," she begged. He obliged, pounding deep into her. Leaning into her until her knee was pressed against her shoulder. Each time he entered her it sent shocks up and down her legs. That shining pressure built until the world sang. Her breathing stopped. Then she was screaming.

He pressed on faster. Coming seconds later in manic thrusts. Every ounce of painstakingly maintained control evaporated and he was finally bared to her. It was remarkable watching him unravel. She wanted to see it again and often. He collapsed against her with a startled laugh.

"How did you know?" He asked.

"I just did." It was the truth. She wasn't sure how she'd known he was holding back. She just _did_.

He pulled himself from her carefully and wandered to the vanity to retrieve a towel. She watched him, transfixed. The tight muscles in his back, the dimples on his ass, the way his abdomen flexed as he walked. She wasn't sure she'd ever been so taken with a lover. She settled into the sofa and let herself enjoy these last few moments of afterglow before the bittersweet parting.

Next time she wouldn't wait so long. Next time she would make the first move. Next time, she promised herself. There would definitely be a next time. When he turned back to her his glow had faded.

"What is it? What's wrong?" She asked.

He returned to the love seat and settled next her, pulling her across his lap. "I'd like to discuss an arrangement."

His tone was plaintive, shoulders hunched, eyes following his fingertips as they drifted across her arm, raising goosebumps. It was completely at odds with the satisfying warmth still running through her body. She trailed her index finger along his jaw, steering his gaze back to her. Laid a soft kiss against his lips and smiled.

"As would I."

"What would this arrangement entail?"

She opened her mouth, then closed it again, frowning. She hadn't really thought about it. There were rules. He'd already broken so many of them it was probably a bad idea to keep this going, but there was no way in hell she was going to stop now. Best if she started small.

"I could give you my mobile number."

"And?"

"And you could give me yours."

"Obviously," he chuckled.

"And then…" She trailed off.

"What are you looking for, Rey?"

"No!" She put a hand over his mouth. "No. We agreed. No names, no pasts." He frowned. "I don't sleep with my friends and I don't befriend the people I sleep with. Those are the rules."

"I can't do that."

Rey hadn't expected the upswell of disappointment at hearing those words. Those were the rules. Didn't he understand that the rules were there for a reason. That way no one got attached and no one got hurt. Why couldn't he understand that?

"You have to."

"I don't." He said firmly. "I can't sleep with someone I don't feel a connection to. The night we met you'd been in my head for weeks. Your music speaks to me in a way nothing else does. I had no idea that meeting you would take me down this path, but it has and," he ran a hand along her thigh, "and I've enjoyed every minute of it, but I told you couldn't keep doing this and I meant it. I want more than this."

"I don't have more than this to give," she said softly.

"I understand." He looked away. She tried to reach for him, tried to make him look at her one last time with that same hunger but he wouldn't. "Take your time. Leave when you're ready. I'm going to get changed in the other room."

He deposited her back on the sofa without making eye contact, collected his clothing, and walked out into the hall. When the door closed behind Rey tried to memorize every line of his body. He was so beautiful to look at and she would never see him that way again.

* * *

"Well that's your own fucking fault." Rose dropped the bag of flour onto her kitchen island where it belched a little white puff into the air.

"Real friend you are. You're supposed to be on my side." Rey stuck her tongue out.

"I'm baking you cookies. What else do you want?" Rose waved at the mess on her countertop. "You're the one who shot him down, right? I should be baking _him_ cookies."

"You wouldn't dare."

Rose shrugged and measured flour into the stand mixer. A comfortable silence settled in around them. Rose was Rey's rock. The steady one. Full time job with benefits. Something in IT that Rey could never properly remember. She worked from home, made her own hours and made bank. Of all of them, Rose was the one with her head on straightest. Rose was also Rey's first real friend in New York. The only one who knew everything there was know.

"Just tell me why. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" Rose dumped the measuring cup on the table. The sudden change in her tone started Rey. "I thought Devi was an anomaly. Everyone liked her, but you pushed her away. Then Finn. Granted, Finn was clearly in idiot for pushing the whole 'girlfriend' thing, but you _were_ his girlfriend. You stopped seeing other guys for him. You stopped doing drugs for a while, until you started lying about it. You had a drawer at his place. Everyone knows what a drawer means."

"It means I didn't want to have to put on dirty knickers in the morning." Rey said coldly.

Rose ignored her. "Now this. You like this guy. I mean, like, panties drop at light speed like this guy. So why?"

"He wanted something I couldn't give him."

"Which was what exactly?" Rose dumped the eggs into the mixer and turned it on. "To be able to call you on a Sunday afternoon for a little Netflix and chill? To fuck on a surface that one of you actually owns? Holy shit what a concept."

"I don't exactly do romantic movie nights," Rey countered.

"You do them with me."

"You're my friend."

Rose leaned onto the counter. "And you don't fuck your friends. Yeah. Been there. Done that. I'm asking you why."

"You know why," Rey spat.

"I know why you did it at first but it's been five years, Rey. Grow up."

"I didn't come here for this," Rey sneered. She pushed off the kitchen island and made for the door.

"No! You came here for a pat on the head and rub on the belly and for me to tell you how fucked up everyone else is, but not you!" Rose followed her into the foyer. "I did that, Rey. For years. Because you needed it. Because horrible people took advantage of your talent and your youth, but now you're taking advantage of people who care about you."

Rey rounded on her friend. "So what? I'm the monster now?"

"You're turning into one. You've been stringing Ben along for six weeks."

"Oh don't paint him out to be saint. Perhaps you've forgotten he did a little stringing of his own."

Rose barked out an angry cackle. "That was great! About time someone turned that shit around on you. Funny thing is, two, three years ago you wouldn't have taken the bait. The second the power dynamic shifted you would have dropped his ass like a bad habit. But you didn't, did you? You ate that shit up, hook, line, and sinker and you can't even see why."

"Because he has a massive cock and he knows how to use it. That's why! He wanted to get cozy and I have never, in all the years you've known me, done cozy. So stop trying to turn this into something it isn't. I hope he likes his fucking biscuits."

Rey spun on her heel and slammed the door behind her. The anger got her as far as the subway before it turned inward. She wanted to be mad at Rose for starting the fight, but she couldn't. She wanted to be mad at Kylo for being another in a long line of people who wanted more from her than she was willing to give, but she couldn't. As she stared at her reflection in the subway window the only person she could find to be angry with was herself.

* * *

The hot water beat down on Ben's tired limbs. He was going to need a night off soon. Between the paid gigs and going to see Jakku every chance he got he'd been out every night since New Year's Eve. It was rounding on two months without a break. He wasn't as young as he used to be. The thought made he snort. Thirty-three years. He watched the water swirl down the drain and imagined the years swirling away with it. Black thoughts crept in at the edge of his consciousness and he pushed them away. He was tired. That was all.

Music would help. Music always helped. In the swell of emotion, it filled his soul with peace. He took comfort in the knowledge that even at his weakest he could find serenity in a song. From the chaos and noise find melody and harmony. It was a magic that transcended pain and time and death itself. There was only music.

Shuffling through his playlist he found himself, as he often did, drawn to Jakku. Rey. He couldn't stop thinking about her. Even after the sting of her rejection. He wanted to be mad, but in that moment she hadn't thrown a fit or screamed or shouted or said horrible things. None of those fears had come true, though they would have made hating her easy. She looked sad. Like she wanted to give in if only she could. Maybe she couldn't. Maybe that was the real problem.

Her newest track was haunting and dark, but with a triumphant end. 'Nightbloomer in the Badlands.' He pressed play. The beat pulsed through the shower, echoing off the walls and into his aching spirit.

She was transcendent. A force of nature. Raw and powerful and beautiful in her wildness. He remembered the first time he'd watched her spin. Sweat pouring from her skin. Beat pounding through his body. He was hypnotized. Listening to her work was like experiencing his innermost thoughts manifest. It was a violation and a release all at once. It inspired him to push harder. She was the brightest star in the night sky and he followed her like a man lost in the wilderness. It frightened him that even now he wanted her so much.

He took his dick in hand, half hard already just thinking about her. He could still see her when he closed his eyes. The lust dripping off her in the dark. The chaos roiling off her in the light. The way her airways constricted and her chest hitched in the moments before she came. The taste of her skin. He didn't even dare to wonder how she'd gotten such a hold on him. He didn't want to wonder. Didn't want to be free. He wanted to drown in her. He stroked himself and imagined her hands running through his hair. Her lips on his neck. Her legs around his waist. Her tongue darting between her teeth when she smiled.

The song reached its crescendo. The frantic beat speeding up into a flat line. He gasped in his release, squeezed the last of the cum from his dick and sighed.

* * *

Rey stepped out into the brisk February afternoon and the sweat froze on the back of her neck seizing up her already sore muscles. In a life lived on her terms, workouts were the only thing she had to force herself to do. She made them fun by rotating through activities as opposed to hitting a traditional gym. She'd been on a rock climbing kick of late. The gym wasn't far from her apartment so she used the walk as a cool down for her muscles. Unfortunately, they'd hit a recent cold snap and instead of cooling her down the temperature was freezing her up.

She shivered all the way back to her apartment and was glad to finally be rounding the corner onto her block when she caught sight of the man hovering by the front stoop. She froze, completely unprepared to deal with his shit. If she could have turned and bolted she would have, but he looked up before she could run.

"Rey!" Finn called.

To hell with it. He'd invited this on himself. He was going to get the full brunt of her ire because he knew better than to barge in on her life uninvited. "Fuck off, Finn."

He trotted down the block to meet her. "Please, wait. I just want to talk to you."

"I have literally nothing to say to you." She replied, walking past him.

"Then don't say anything. I just need you to listen. Please."

Rage bubbled up inside her, hot and easy. She was so ready to unload every ounce of it onto him. To melt the flesh from bone. All the anger that had been swirling around inside her the last few days came pouring out.

"NO! You listen." She rounded on him. "I've had enough of people barging into my life and telling me what they expect of me. I've been pretty fucking clear about who I am. What's so confusing to you people?

"I know and I'm sorry." Finn held his hands out, pleading with her. "You were upfront with me and I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. I was jackass."

"Yes. Yes you were and here you are. Still barging in. Still expecting me to listen to your shit. I will not give you any more. Go home, Finn!" She turned.

"Please, I just needed to tell you—"

"I said no!" She rummaged through her bag for her keys.

"Damn it, Rey!" Finn turned away. She felt him oscillating on the sidewalk. Two steps away. Two steps back. Two steps away. "Fuck it." He turned back. "On the worst day of my life I ran right into you and you looked at me like no one ever had. My whole world changed the day I met you. I'm a better person for it and I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you gave me."

"I didn't ask you for anything! I don't want someone to change me. I'm happy just the way I am."

"I don't think that's true," Finn said.

Rey ignored the sadness in his voice. She had zero tolerance for it. "You don't get to tell me who I am." The keys rattled into her hand but she was shaking so bad she couldn't manage to slide one into lock. When they slipped from her grasp she growled. "You don't get choose the best version of me. Or the nicest. Or the prettiest. My life, Finn. It's my life! It's my choices to make not yours."

"You're wrong. When you love someone, sometimes it's your job to make them see the things they don't want to see."

She stooped to retrieve her keys. "I never wanted that, Finn. Never once. That wasn't what we were."

"It's what we became."

"Because I was an idiot. I never should have broken the rules for you. I never should have let you—"

"Get close? See the soft squishy bits you keep hidden under the psycho armor? Was it really that terrible? Did it hurt that bad to know that someone I loved you?"

She stilled. _'Loved.'_ Past tense. That was the part that hurt the most. She had loved him back once. It was why she'd broken one rule after another for him. It was like opening a floodgate. In seconds she remembered all the things she'd loved about Finn. He openness. His kindness. It was impossible to see the resignation in his eyes and not feel the tiniest shreds of guilt. The anger receded in a tidal wave of regret. He'd been a jackass, but once upon a time he'd been _her_ jackass. It took her a moment to choke down the golf ball in her throat. When she turned to him she tried her best to smile.

"It wasn't all bad." She felt the tears stinging in the backs of her eyes and laughed to hide them. "Welp, I'm freezing my tits off and god knows how long you've been standing here…"

"Yeah. I'd better go." Finn pulled his coat tighter around him.

"You could come up."

He sighed. "We both know that's a bad idea."

A fresh wave of anger burned through her. "Fine. Fuck off then."

"Rey," Finn pleaded.

She pushed the door open and made damn sure it shut with him on the other side. She didn't remember climbing the stairs to her apartment, or kicking off her shoes, or scouring her bottom drawer, or where the whiskey came from. Everything in the world had gone dull and grey and lifeless.

Finn's appearance had opened an old wound. Cut away the scar tissue that held shut the gaping void in her chest. The darkness that called out to her and whispered…

_You have no place in this world._

_You come from nothing._

_You're nothing._

She found herself sitting on the floor of her tiny apartment crying into a pair of socks that Finn had given her for Christmas two years back. She didn't even like the socks but she'd worn them for him. Panic lanced through her. She had to do something. Had to get hold of herself. She sniffled into her socks and booted up her computer.

Music was the answer. Everything else was a lie. She had always used her pain to fuel her passion for making music. Music in turn gave her the strength to overcome that pain. The power to put an entire room under her spell. She'd been fighting her whole life to live on her terms. Music was the only weapon she had to win that war and seize victory over her would-be possessors. It shattered the chains that bound her to the past. Music set her free.

Rey planted her ass on her bed and tried desperately to work. Nothing stuck. Her mind was still too addled with drink. She needed a laser focus that would not come. Instead, she riffled through her playlist. If not making music at least she could drown in it for a little while. Her fingers trailed over the trackpad, scrolling through her song list until she saw his name. Kylo Ren knew what to say. Had from the first. She even knew which track to choose.

'Temple Burning' was an angry song. A statement of self and purpose. It screamed _'You were right to be afraid of me. I am the monster you made.'_ She played it on repeat and danced in her living room letting the emotion take over until her already abused limbs were screaming. She let the next track roll to the next, then the next. Each one reached into a piece of her and siphoned away a hurt she hadn't realized was bubbling under the surface. She let the songs pump out the poison and suture the wounds until she lay in bed panting and crying. Ben's music wrung her out until there were no tears left to shed. She played 'Temple Burning' one last time and felt stronger than she had in days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, all commenters are welcome here. I'm still in the market for beta readers and new friends in this insane fandom I've been sucked into (kicking and screaming, I swear). With a couple of other stories on the horizon I would love to meet some new people willing to take a crack at proofing so feel free drop in with a comment, shoot me an e-mail (available in my profile) or send me a PM on Tumblr @thoseindarkness.


	7. My Perfect Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey decides to seek Ben out at a show, but the meeting takes a turn that Rey didn't expect and later one that Ben could never have seen coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! This chapter was so fucking hard to write. Oh my lawd. The feels are everywhere. I wrote the final scene in the middle of the night and struggled with each beat to keep the flow, the characters, and where they are this moment in line with where they will go. I went to bed emotionally and physically exhausted afterward. I'm not ashamed to say that there were moments where I was crying. That's not to say you will, but god if you shed tears know that you're not alone.
> 
> I had been circling the drain on 'Love/Hate Heartbreak' for a long time. Thematic elements for it exist everywhere in this story, but this was finally the place where it got to shine. Lyrically, it hints at what's going on in both Ben and Rey's heads. Where they were walking into this chapter and how it all shook out for them. 
> 
> Fair warning, this is the first of two consecutive chapters which are smut free. I gave you a smorgasbord of smut in 5 and made sure to give you another taste in 6 so that I wouldn't leave you completely wanting, but things are about to dry out between our intrepid heroes while they work through their bullshit. You can, of course, look forward to ending with a bang (all pun intended). Thank you to Brit, Ian and [tm2taughtmefamlaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tm2taughtmefamlaw/pseuds/tm2taughtmefamlaw) for being my betas. So many hearts.

_Why did I waste my time_   
_Two steps I don't rewind_   
_Feeling I can't define_   
_I give back to you_   
_(Give it all away/Take it all the way)_   
_I see my demise_   
_From behind your eyes_   
_I can't pass you by_   
_I give back to you_   
_(Give it all away/Take it all the way)_   
_-Love/Hate Heartbreak, Halestorm_

* * *

Ben's hair was getting long. Normally he would have cut it by now but couldn't bring himself to. Sure, girls liked it well enough, but _he_ really liked it which was weird because he'd had short hair all his life. He was just pulling it up into a knot when someone knocked on the green room door. He looked at the clock on his phone. There were still ten minutes to his set.

"Yeah?" He called.

"It's me," a woman's voice responded.

He hadn't heard her clearly over the music coming from his cell phone. Must have been the stage manager. It sounded like the stage manager.

"Come in."

The door flew open and Rey hopped into the doorway, arms spread wide like an acrobat sticking a landing. She smiled brightly, her tongue poking out between her teeth. He could see the shock in his own reflection and her smile dimmed for only a fraction of a second. He looked away. Reached for his cell phone, shutting the music off. He'd been listening to 'Nightbloomers' again. Heels clicked on the poured concrete floor and Ben had to fight to keep the memories from flooding back.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, scanning the room for his bag. He'd look anywhere so long as it wasn't at her. It was their first meeting after… just, after. There should be a buffer between them or something. A crowd. Alone like this he wasn't sure what she would do. In truth, he wasn't sure what he would do either. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't shake her influence.

"Kay's back from Cancun. She wanted to come and see you. Asked if I'd tag along."

"I see." That crystal clarity he'd once felt around her was gone. The noise was back, buzzing like flies in his ears.

Silence settled in between them and Ben let it be. He could feel her eyes on him as he moved around the room. Saying everything by saying nothing. He fished in his bag for his gloves and the alarm on his phone trilled letting him know that he had five minutes left.

"I really hate that noise," she said, impassively.

"I've gotta go." He retrieved his gloves, pulled on his mask and made his way to the stage. He'd barely made it five steps when the clicking followed.

"Ben." His chest tightened. She'd never called him that before. He turned slowly toward her. "I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you something. I've had a rough couple of days. I mean we… and then…" She waived her hand, dismissing the incomplete thoughts. "Doesn't matter, the point is, I needed an outlet." She wrung her hands together. Was she nervous? It was deeply unsettling to him that she would be nervous around him.

"A way to work through my nonsense and your music helped me do that. I have an immense amount of respect for you." She shook her head. "No, that's sounds stupid. I mean, I do but that's not…" She growled. "You made me feel things that…" She sighed. "You helped me when no one else could. That's the most important thing a song can do and you do it well. That makes you special. After everything that happened, I just wanted to tell you that." She turned away.

"Wait!" Ben pulled the mask off too quickly and it scraped his chin. "Rey."

He could see the tension in her shoulders as she stopped. She did not turn, but pivoted her head. It occurred to him then just how little he really knew her. Half her face. Half her form. Half her personality. There was still so much she was keeping hidden. Whatever she was going through, it was bad to leak through all her careful shielding. He remembered the loneliness he'd sensed what seemed ages ago.

"About what happened. With us. I—"

"Don't you dare apologize," she snapped, eyes hardening. "Don't you dare try to take back a word you said or a thing you did or so help me god I will hate you for the rest of my life, do you understand me?" Her whole body was vibrating with rage.

"What happened to you? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she spat.

"You don't have to lie to me."

"Oh don't pretend you know me."

"You just told me something was wrong. _'I've had a rough couple of days.'_ Ring a bell?"

Her nostrils flared. "Apparently, I'm a selfish monster who would have likely strung you along for weeks if not months only to completely trample on your affections. Consider the bullet dodged." Her lips curled into the shape of a smile, but there was no joy in her.

"Who told you that?" He asked, taking a step closer.

"I have it on good authority."

"Your own?" He took another step.

"I can hardly be considered an authority on anything can I?" He took a final step and she turned into him, hands pressing to his chest. "Ben… don't…"

He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes. Everything went quiet. All the noise fell away. The only sound he could hear was his own breathing, and hers. She smelled like talc and whiskey.

"Everything you just said and everything you didn't say, that's how I feel about you every day. Your work moves me in a way no one else's does. You're not a monster for being who you are. If you were anyone else you couldn't make me feel the things I do. Everyone has their baggage, Rey. You're not alone."

"Neither are you." She whispered before shoving him. He stumble a few steps caught off guard by the sudden shift. "Now get your arse out there and make me feel something." She smiled, a real smile. "And don't cock it up. I'll be watching." She spun in a circle and was off down the hall, her heels setting the tempo for the evening. _Clack, clack, clack._

* * *

The freezing wind blasted Ben's face the moment he stepped out of the club. His smartwatch vibrated. "Rabbit, rabbit," he said to no one in particular as the hour hit midnight and February became March.

"Come on, luv." Ben turned toward the familiar voice and his blood ran cold. The police officer was shaking his head, but Rey persisted.

"Miss, I need you take a step back."

"I promise I don't bite—"

"Rey!" Ben barked. Both heads turned in his direction as he approached. "Sorry officer. My friend got away from me. I hope she wasn't giving you too much trouble." The man's eyes narrowed on Ben.

"Hello again!" Rey wobbled as she turned. He realized then that she was completely wasted.

"Do you know this man, miss?" The officer asked.

She turned her head slowly back to the him, squinting. "Who him?" She nodded. "Biblically."

Ben sighed. "I'm so sorry."

The man shrugged. "Just get her out of here."

"Will do." Ben took Rey by the shoulders and steered her back into the club. He was supposed to be meeting up with Jacen. That would have to wait until someone could retrieve the drunk woman struggling in his arms. Once they were safely inside Ben gave Rey his full attention.

"Where's Kay?"

Rey shrugged, shaking her head and scrunching her nose. "Dunnouh."

"When did you last see her? Is she still here?"

"S'been a while." Rey tried to turn away, but Ben held her shoulders.

"Rey. Stay with me. Where. Is. Kay."

"I already tould you. I doun' nou." Her accent was getting thicker and stranger.

"How much have you had to drink?"

She shrugged again, smiling. "A lot."

Ben growled, shaking her shoulders. "Dammit Rey. How did you get here?"

"Sames always." She crooked her finger at the ground and giggled. It took a minute for him to register she meant the subway.

"Where do you live?"

She smiled. "Do you want ta come houm wiv me? S'against the rules."

This was getting him nowhere. "Call Rose."

Her face lit up. "Thas a luvley ideah." Much to Ben's relief she reached into her purse. Much to his chagrin, she opened her text messaging program and started scrolling through. "Oooo. I 'aven seen you in aaaages." She clicked on the conversation thread. The man on the screen was definitely not Rose. He plucked the phone away. "Oi!"

Ben scanned the list. As he suspected the thread with Rose was near the top. Rey pawed at him ineffectually while the phone rang. Rose answered on the second ring.

"This had better be good, sunshine. I'm kind of in the middle of someone."

"Well then I'm sorry to drop this into your lap."

"Who the… Ben?" He heard shuffling on the other end of the line. An unknown woman's voice. Thumping, probably footsteps. More shuffling. "Okay, what in the actual fuck?"

"Rey came to one of my shows with Kay. Kay's missing. Rey's blitzed and I just pulled her off a cop. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated."

"Kay's here. In Mexico. I saw her like an hour ago."

The lie slammed into Ben like a freight train. Why? Why did she need to lie? The problem was, he already knew the answer. Attending at Kay's behest was getting back to business as usual. Two artists in the scene who could learn to behave around each other given enough time. Showing up alone meant sent a different message. One Ben really didn't want to contemplate.

"Fuck," he said.

"Yeah." Rose sighed. "I can't believe I'm about to ask you this, but could you take her home?"

"She's not a puppy, Rose."

"I meant to _her_ home? Make sure she gets in okay. Jesus, where's your head at?"

Ben felt the hot flush of shame creep up his neck. His head was where it always was with Rey. Way, way, way down in the gutter.

"Sorry. Yeah. I can do that. Text me her address."

"I don't have your number. I'll text it to her, just forward it to yourself."

"Fine."

"It should go without saying, but just in case, you do anything to her and they'll never find your body."

The first real thread of anger tickled at the back of his mind. "I'm not the one you should be warning," he seethed before hanging up.

The text message arrived a moment later. He made sure to text Jacen before calling a cab. Rey had wandered into the coat check and curled into the lap of the girl behind the counter.

"I'm going to need her," Ben said, flatly.

The girl smiled. "Up you get, Jax. Time to go."

It was a wonder to him that she seemed to know everyone in this fucking city. Even the coat check girl at Quantxi.

"I doun' wanna." Rey wriggled deeper into the girls lap.

"I know, baby." The girl rubbed little circles into Rey's back. "But it's nearly closing time. You don't have to go home…"

"But I can't stay heer." She pouted. "Aaaall right."

Though he'd said it in irritation, Rey was proving to be very much like a puppy when she was drunk. Her whole temperament changed. Everything was interesting. Her childlike grin only disappeared when she was pulled away from whatever wonderous thing she was doing and only for as long as it took to find another fascination. She started out the window in awe as the city lights passed above them. She cried out in joy when they got on the bridge and watched Manhattan fade into the distance. She giggled as the cab driver tried to teach her how to pronounce his name. She curled into Ben and closed her eyes and smiled.

Ben was reminded again of how little he knew this woman and how much he wished to know more. That ship had sailed. He hadn't realized it until after they met, but the same darkness that drove Ben to create drove her. Which meant there was some pain in there, buried deep. She'd been right about not knowing someone until things got dirty. She was at her most vibrant when things got dirty, but somehow, some way, some tiny shred of innocence had survived. He wondered how many battlements she'd built to protect it. How many walls a person would have to go through to see her this open, sober.

The cab deposited them in front of her building. She twirled in circles as he paid the driver.

"You might not want to do that," he warned.

"Rooms already spinny. Little moor woun' hurt."

He took her shoulders. "Come on, you need to tell me which key it is."

They climbed the stairs and Rey leaned on him. "This is the firs' appar'men' I ever 'ad on my ouwn." Ben nodded. "Took me a long time to ge'. Wuz really proud of myself."

"Okay, Rey."

"I nev'r 'ad my ouwn place befoure."

"Rey, stop."

"S'wha chu wonted innit? Moor?" She frowned. "This is moor. I'm tellin' you moor."

"You shouldn't be telling me this at all. You wouldn't if you were sober."

She shrugged and stumbled. He managed to get his hand around her waist before she fell. She wrapped her small arms around his, holding him in place.

"Don' let gouh," she whispered. "Please."

"I won't."

It was harder to get her up the stairs with her vice-like grip on his arm, but they managed. At the door he had to work around her to get it open and she dragged him inside.

"Will you stay wiv me? Jus fer tonight?"

Though his mother had taken the time to impart only a precious few lessons on him, he was glad this was one of them. Sober he might have faltered, but in her state? Never.

"I can't."

She gripped him tighter to her and smiled, her nose wrinkling. "You really are a gud boy."

"Not nearly as good as you seem to think. Come on, let's get you into bed."

"Bad boy," she giggled.

"Alone," he clarified.

"I'm 'ungry."

She redirected him away from the bed at the far end of her tiny studio and into the galley kitchen. He knew he could have fought her, but a tiny part of him couldn't bring himself to do it. The place was a mess. Bottles of whiskey by the bed. Clothes strewn everywhere. He nearly tripped on a pair of light up Christmas socks near the kitchen entrance. Rey stopped in front of a large white Dunkin Donuts box.

He watched with great interest as Rey considered her dilemma. In order to eat, she had to let him go. Her head bobbed up and down from the box to her arms to the box to her arms.

"Do uz a favor, luv. Open the box?" She beamed up at him.

Ben chuckled. "I'll make you deal. You have a donut and go to bed without a fuss and I'll stay with you while you eat."

"You won' run? Promiz?"

"I promise." She let him go and when she was satisfied he wouldn't bolt, she opened the box. Half of them were missing. "Did you eat all of those yourself?"

"Don' judge me. I like donuts. 'specially when I'm sad. They make me 'appy." She chose one with sprinkles, picking the sugar decorations off one at a time and scrunching her nose every time she ate one. "You're no' gonna ask me why 'm sad?"

"You didn't want to tell me before. You won't want me to know in the morning."

She frowned. "Course I wan' you to knouw. S'why I got so drunk." A wide smile replaced it a moment later. Her nose wrinkled and her tongue poked out between her teeth. "You fink I doun' knouw wha' I'm like when 'm drunk? S'why I doun' drink much, mate. I star' tawkin'." Ben chuckled. It was unbelievable. A real world Jekyll and Hyde act. "Gouh on. Ask me again."

"No."

"S'okay. I woun' be mad."

"Yes you will."

She shrugged. "Awright a bit, but is bet'ah than wa'chu go' now innit?" She stared forlornly at the sprinkles on her donut. "Ask me. Please."

It was the please that got him. Barely above a whisper. "Why are you sad?"

"Cause I fucked up, din'I? You wer'n the first." She picked at a sprinkle, rolled it between her fingertips and dropped it on the floor. "I luved Devi wiv all my heart, but I fuck tha' up." Her eyes scanned the ceiling. "I luved Finn an I was a royal cunt to 'im. An' you?" She poked him in the chest with her donut. Pink frosting and funfetti stuck to his coat. "I'm obsessed wiv you, Ben." She pressed her head into his chest and sighed. "If I could luv them the way I did and them no' knowing my soul like you do. Fuck. I'd give you everthin'." She shook her head. "S'like I spen' my 'ole life holidn' my breaf and the first time I 'eard you play I sta'ed beathin'. Only now all the airs gon' an' I can' get i'back. An' I knouw." She pounded a fist into his chest. "I knouw in the mornin' I'll 'ate myself for sayin' this," her voice rose, "but I 'ated myself before when I couldn'. There you was standing in the 'all asking me wha's wrong and I couldn' say. An' no matter what I won' win." She sniffled. "God, I'm such a coward."

Ben couldn't hold it in anymore. He wrapped his arms around her and she settled against him, her arms limp at her side.

"I'm sorry. I know this is wrong. I'm manipulatin' people jus' like Rose said. I want'd to tell you was all an' I couldn' do it th'other way. I don' wanna letchu go and I dunno 'ow to keep you." She sighed. "S'thas me. I'm 'ungry."

He chuckled, letting her go. "Then eat your damn donut."

She frowned at it. "You eat it."

"I don't want it."

"But I can' eat it, is got lint on it."

"So you offer it to me?"

She shrugged. "I'm a monster. Comes wiv the territ'ry."

She looked tired. Like the revelation had sapped what little energy she had left.

"Why don't you save the donut for later. I think you should get some sleep."

"I don' wan' to sleep. I don' 'ave good dreams when I'm drunk. S'price I 'ad to pay for 'onesty. Don' much fancy it, but there i'is. At leas' if I upset my stomach I won' sleep long." She discarded the linty donut frosting side down on the counter and plucked another from the box.

Ben pulled the confection from her hand before she could bite into it. "Oh, no. If you choke on your own vomit because I left you here sick to your stomach, I will never forgive myself."

"An' Rosie'll kill ya."

"Probably."

"Definitely." She shrugged. "Awright. I'll try'n sleep then."

Ben settled against the archway into her kitchen as she wobbled out into the studio and flopped onto the floor, tugging her shoes off with a great effort. She crawled to a pile of clothes and sniffed at it. Then to another and another. Finally she found a pile whose scent she did not find offensive. Shirt and panties in hand she crawled to the edge of her bed, lifting herself back to her feet.

Either she'd forgotten he was there or she was just that unselfconscious about her nudity that she stripped to the skin without even looking at him. Either way it was not seduction. She pulled the fresh shirt on first squishing her features comically as the collar slid over her face. It was an effort not to laugh out loud as she tried and failed to lift her leg and get it into the hole of her panties. Giving up, she dropped onto the bed and shimmied them up that way.

"Is safe to look now," she called.

"I hadn't stopped looking," he replied.

She giggled. "Bad boy."

He took a deep breath and walked to the edge of the bed. "Be honest with me. If I leave now, are you going to—"

"Yes. Righ' back up in the kitchen befor' you're down the 'all. I won' sleep like this." Her eyes were haunted. "I won'."

"Fine." He pulled his phone from his pocket and cancelled his plans with Jacen.

"Whatchu doin'?" She rolled onto her side and bunched the comforter into her arms.

"Getting comfortable. I'm not leaving you like this. Not if you did it on my account."

Ben pulled his winter coat off and left it on the cluttered two seater table by the kitchen. Her bed was just the box spring and mattress pushed into a corner. He sat on the floor and leaned into it. She scooted closer to him, curling her body around his head.

"You coul' come up 'ere wiv me."

"No."

"I won' do nuffin'. Promiz."

He turned, his arm slid across the bed and into the line of her body. She reached for his hand and pressed it against her cheek. He let his fingers trail her skin.

"No, Rey. Not like this."

"I knouw." Her lip trembled. "I knouw."

Ben rested his head on his arm and stared at the strange woman he'd somehow gotten himself tangled up in. She stared back, sad and scared and drunk. She smiled, tucking her tongue between her teeth in that way he loved so much. When he felt her fingertips comb through his hair, he sighed.

"I luv your 'air. Sick for it, really I am." Her nose wrinkled. "And you make the 'appiest faces. I luv those faces, Ben. I'm," her voice caught, "gonna miss them most of all."

"I know," he replied.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ben says "Rabbit, rabbit."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_rabbit_rabbi) | [Quantxi](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Quantxi)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, all commenters are welcome here. I'm still in the market for beta readers and new friends in this insane fandom I've been sucked into (kicking and screaming, I swear). With a couple of other stories on the horizon I would love to meet some new people willing to take a crack at proofing so feel free drop in with a comment, shoot me an e-mail (available in my profile) or send me a PM on Tumblr [@thoseindarkness](https://thoseindarkness.tumblr.com/).


	8. Moving Tensions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words spoken, can never be unsaid. Caught between coming together and coming apart Rey and Ben spiral towards answers to questions they have yet to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! The end is nigh. Two more chapters. Quick reminder there is no smut in this chapter, but the next will be extra-long and plenty filthy. 
> 
> This week is brought to you by 'Mayhem' because shit's about to get crazy. Thank you to Brit, Ian and for being my betas. Extra credit goes to [tm2taughtmefamlaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tm2taughtmefamlaw/pseuds/tm2taughtmefamlaw) this week for her "over/under" comment. It was perfect.

_I wanna feel the choas_   
_I wanna hear the uproar_   
_A little pandemonioum_   
_I know I'm not the only one_   
_I wanna be blown away_   
_I wanna feel the walls shake_   
_-Mayhem, Halestorm_

* * *

 

Rey woke swaddled in warmth. She'd been dreaming of an island alone in a vast blue ocean. She settled deeper into her covers and tried to hold onto the dream, but the harder she tried the further it slipped away. A dull thudding began in her crown and radiated out through the base of her skull. She groaned, cursing the Irish, the Scots and all the other heathen tribes for their single malt spirits. She needed to drink a gallon of water and crawl back into bed forever.

Her eyes felt like they were glued shut. Caked as they were in crust, rubbing them only seemed to settle the debris deeper into her eyelids. She blinked several times and found to her surprise there was a glass of water on the nightstand. Her mouth went dry at the sight of it. It was down her throat a second later but the thudding in her brain did not abate. It was an effort to drag herself out of bed. She stopped the moment her foot hit the floor.

The apartment had been tidied. The faint odor of tinned tuna still wafted from the rubbish bin in the kitchen, reassuring her that in her drunkenness she had not attempted to give the place a thorough scrub down with chemicals. She stared at the two piles of clothes, the remnants of the chaos her floor had once been. Vague snippets of recollection floated up. Sorting her clothes into piles based on a cursory sniff test. Laughing. An idea so absurd that even thinking back to it she smiled, but what had been so funny?

Her two seater dining table was also cleared and the bin was overflowing. Bottles poked out from the top and the Dunkin box was folded neatly behind them. She didn't fold boxes. That was way too extra for her. She got the sense that someone else had been there. The thought grew stronger. Yes. Definitely. Someone had been there with her. Who? She found a single donut on a paper plate, covered with a piece of paper towel. She was glad she'd saved at least one for the morning.

As she ate her version of the breakfast of champions, she tried to replay the events of the night. Rey remembered going to Quantxi. She remembered seeing Alaine that evening. The girl worked for the company that owned several clubs in the city, including Ord Mantell. She remembered Ben. Her heart hurt thinking about him. Not being able to tell him everything she'd wanted to say in that moment. And even after turning him away, he'd tried to be kind to her. He still looked at her like she was a goddess and she definitely got off on that shit, but it just made the whole thing suck worse.

His set was incredible. Exactly what she needed after the week she'd been having. She didn't really go in for the whole 'find your center,' inner peace thing, but if she was ever going to find it he'd provide the soundtrack.

Drinking. Oh god, the drinking. Everything was a blur after that. Sitting in the coat check girl's lap. Dancing with strangers whose faces she couldn't picture. The bartender pouring her whiskeys. The Manhattan skyline in fresco. The warmth of arms around her in the stairs.

Rey popped the last sweet morsel into her mouth as the images faded. Nothing else would come. Maybe a shower would clear her head. She knocked back a couple of headache meds, drank two more glasses of water, and headed for the bathroom. Her reflection was not a pretty sight. The black hoodie certainly brought out the pallor of her skin and complimented the dark circles under her eyes. It was a great look on her. Sure to be this year's fall fashion. _Haute_ mess _couture_.

She had the zipper of the sweatshirt halfway down when her hand stilled. She examined the garment closely. It wasn't hers. She didn't own a plain black hoodie and certainly not one twenty sizes too big. Dipping her chin, she covered her nose and mouth and inhaled deeply. Memories flooded back.

Ben.

The cab ride home. Crawling over him to watch the city fade into the distance. His arms catching her on the stairs. Eating donuts with him in the kitchen. Tearing bits away and throwing them at his head. He'd caught one in his mouth and she'd called him a trained seal. That's what she'd been laughing about. She was making jokes about it the rest of the night. Her fingers playing in his hair as he sat by the bed. The feel of his hands pressed against her bare stomach as he held her. The press of his lips on the back of her neck as she fell asleep in his arms.

Rey stared at the woman in the mirror and knew what she'd done. Liquid courage. Her hands clenched into fists as her chest heaved. She hated that woman. That coward. That manipulative cunt. She reared back and punched that bitch in the face.

* * *

Jacen did not live in quaint urban bliss with his sister. He was an artist and lived the kind of bohemian lifestyle that artists were supposed to live. At least, that's how he'd explained it to Ben. In reality Jacen and half a dozen other people were squatting in an old warehouse whose ownership was apparently in contention between several claimants. As the court cases dragged on none of the interested parties were allowed to touch the property. Not even to secure it.

Ben banged on the warehouse door and waited for someone to come open it. His coat still bore the fading scents of sugar and talc from… he shook her away. The door slid open, saving him from being dragged back down that rabbit hole. A dreadlocked, redheaded woman with bright grey eyes greeted him.

"You're alive!" She said in her faint Faroese accent. Ben had heard of, but never met, a person from the Faroe Islands until he met Ten. "We missed you the other night. Your brother's not the best DJ."

"Sorry, I had an emergency." Ben stepped into the less chilly loading dock as Ten closed the door behind them. "An acquaintance of mine was very drunk and alone. I couldn't leave her."

Ten frowned at him, but didn't say anything as they made their way past the canvases and spray paint cans that littered the first floor. On the second floor Jacen was sitting in their makeshift kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and looking like he'd just crawled out of bed.

"Hey!" He called when he caught sight of Ben. "You made it this time."

Ten swatted his arm as she passed. "You made it sound like he was rescuing his beloved."

"He was!" Jacen said, clearly put out by Ten's change in mood. "Ben, tell her. It was _her_. _The woman._ Your Irene Adler."

"Did she best you in the battle of wits? Is that it?" Ten chuckled.

Ben sighed as he dropped onto a stool next to his brother. At least Ten had a better understanding of Holmes' interest in Adler than his brother did.

"No, Ben's into this chick. Come on, bro, don't leave me hanging. I'm drowning here."

Ten watched, eyes sparkling as she poured a cup of coffee. "It is a common misconception that Sherlock Holmes was in love with Irene Adler," she explained. "He admired and respected her ability to outsmart him, but had no interest in pursuing romantic relationships with women. She was a worthy adversary, more so because she was a woman and he felt women were ruled by their emotions."

"She's got you there," Ben said.

Jacen sagged against the makeshift island, ruefully spooning more Fruit Loops into his mouth. Ten came around the island and ruffled his hair, whispering to him in Faroese. He gave her an annoyed smile as she kissed his temple before turning away. She was halfway across the room when Jacen said something in his own broken Faroese.

Ten stopped, turned back to him in surprise. She stood there for several seconds before smiling. "Keep practicing."

"Did you at least understand me this time?" He called after.

"I have always understood you, Jacen Solo." She called over her shoulder before bounding up the steps two at a time and being swallowed by the third floor.

Jacen kept his eyes on her until long after she'd disappeared. "I'm going to marry that girl one day."

"Isn't she Danish royalty?" Ben asked.

"Half," Jacen replied, eyes still glued on the staircase. "Besides, she doesn't want to be a monarch. Look at her."

"You're doing that enough for both of us. What'd you say to her anyway?"

"I got drunk once and I told her I could only tell her how I felt in her own language. It was a stupid thing to do because it's really hard to learn, but I'm trying," he shrugged, turning back to his cereal. "Speaking of really drunk, how'd it go with _the woman._ What the fuck is this chick's name, anyway? It's getting hard to have conversations about her."

"Rey."

Jacen's spoon stopped midway to his mouth. "Rey? As in Jakku?" His jaw dropped open. "No, no, no, no, no. You did not stick your dick in Jakku."

Ben frowned.

"Holy shit!" Jacen vaulted out of his seat. "No fucking wonder you're all twisted around. That woman is fucking crazy. You're fucking crazy. Run! Run as fast as you can!"

Ben had to take several deep breaths to keep from losing his shit on his own brother. "I'm only going to say this once. Sit down. Calm down. What I do with my dick is my business. You don't like it, I won't tell you about it."

"Dude, the shit I've heard—"

"JACEN!"

Jacen froze. They stared at each other across the cold room. Anger flowed between them in a charged current. Ten's laughter filtered down from the upstairs hall and echoed through the stairwell. The stalemate broke when Jacen's eyes flicked to the ceiling. Ben could see his brother's resolve falter and break. The younger Solo sighed.

"I guess the heart doesn't always make sense."

Ben couldn't argue that, but Ten's voice didn't have the analgesic effect on him it did on his brother. He was still seeing red and didn't trust himself to speak.

"I'm sorry, man. It won't happen again." Jacen returned to his seat, subdued, and resumed his breakfast. "Tell me what happened."

"You going to keep your opinions to yourself?" Ben spat.

"No, but I'm not gonna talk shit about Jakku. Tell me everything."

Ben ran down the events of the evening from the moment she knocked on the dressing room door to the moment he crawled out of her bed and locked the door behind him. When he was done Jacen looked completely shaken.

"I'm gonna be honest…" Jacen's eyes darted across the island in the exact way Anakin's did. "I don't know what the fuck to think. I mean, we're talking about Jakku. She is the hardest bitch in the scene."

"Everyone is human Jacen, even her." Ben raked his hands across his face. "I was hoping you had some terrible advice for me. At least so I'd know what _not_ to do."

"Sorry, I got nothin'. I mean. Landmines everywhere you look. You confront her and she'll probably go psycho on you. But now you know it's like you can't _not_ tell her or you're torturing yourself." Ben raised his eyebrow and inclined his head. "We should talk to Jaina."

"Probably," Ben admitted.

"Speaking of. She talked to Cobalt, our dom friend. She's gonna be at the showing this weekend. If nothing else, maybe you can meet someone new. Forget about the whole thing? Sometimes the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one."

"That's terrible advice!" A voice called from the far end of the room. "What horrible things are you saying now, Jacen?"

It was amazing how Jacen's whole body changed when Ten walked into a room. His eyes, his face, the set of his shoulders. His nervous ticks disappeared. Even the subtle way he moved his torso so he was always in some way pointed in her direction. He was completely in love with this girl.

Ben wondered if that's what he looked like when Rey was in the room. It felt like losing all control of his own motor functions. Like his brain refused to process anything else when she was near, but did he really follow her that way? Logically he probably did. How had she gotten so much power over him? And what was he going to do about it? He still didn't know and was starting to think he wasn't going to figure it out anytime soon.

* * *

Everyone in New York City who gigged in the local music scene, attended local gigs, hung around at galleries, participated in off-Broadway theatre, or rode a skateboard more than in passing knew who Caedus was. He was somewhat of an institution in the underground, cropping up two or three times a year with an art gallery showing, then disappearing again without a trace. The Tico sisters knew him better than Rey did. They kept up with him socially, though she wasn't sure when as she spent an inordinate amount of time with the Ticos and had never run across him outside of his showings. In fact, she'd only met him twice despite having attended every one of his gallery openings since landing stateside.

Tonight was no exception. Rose had presented Rey with a posh invitation to a posh gallery in a posh neighborhood. Rey had gone so far as to replace her little black dress. The thing of it was, she'd much rather sink a thousand dollars into her equipment than her shoes. That was the beauty of owning just one little black dress. Depending on how you dressed it up it was a new dress every time and matched with everything from a pair of purple Doc Martens to a set of six inch heels. She'd gone with the Docs on this one.

Rey, Rose, Paige, and Kay had arrived earlier than normal in the hopes of beating out the crowds. Once the place was thronged with people it would become impossible to actually look at the art and… gasp!... they actually wanted to see it.  Unfortunately for them, the overall posh-ness of the event had rendered their attempts at timeliness moot. Caedus was so swamped that the girls weren't going to get anywhere near him until after one in the morning, if they were lucky.

They made the best of it, wandering through the installations to catch a few glimpses here and there and drinking all the free champagne they could get down. All except Rey. She'd sworn off the drink for a while. Her mood was still too unstable to be trusted with it. Best not to tempt fate a second time. Fate of course had other plans.

It was around ten in the evening when Rose took a vice grip on Rey's bare arm and spun to face a nearby art piece. A set of metallic masks inlaid with downright satanic looking design work. Some of them were dull coppery numbers, others were silvery and polished to a mirror finish. She loved every one.

"Don't turn. Don't freak out." Rose leaned in. "Ben's here."

Rey's eyes shot open, darting to each of the masks looking for a glimpse of him. She caught sight of him coming in from a nearby wing and darted in the opposite direction. Once in the next room she let out a deep breath.

"That was close."

"Alright. Now you know he's here, let's talk. What's the game pl—"

"Outright avoidance," Rey replied without hesitation. "No contact whatsoever."

"Don't you think that's a bit, I don't know, cray-cray?"

"Nope." Rey shook her head. "Not at all. I got really sauced and probably spilled all my deepest secrets to the man. I couldn't possibly look him in the eye any time in the next decade. Probably ever again."

"Rey, come on."

"I know, Rose. I'm sorry. I've done it again. If you want to remain friends with him, that's fine but I can't. I can't deal with him. It's too soon."

Rose sighed. "Alright. Outright avoidance it is."

"Thank you."

* * *

"S'cuse me. Coming through. Pardon. Excuse—" A woman stepped out in front of Ben and he nearly plowed right through her. "Excuse me miss."

The woman rolled her eyes and stepped out of the way with a sneer. He had to remind himself that while he wasn't above hitting a woman - because he'd gotten his ass kicked by enough women to know the _fairer sex_ was a myth perpetuated by misogynist pricks - racing through his brother's art gallery was neither the time nor place. He swerved around the woman and ran up the steps into the VIP lounge, scanning the second floor for either of his siblings.

"Jaina!" The woman turned at the sound of her name and frowned at the harried looking man coming toward her. "Have you seen Ani?"

"I left him with Jacen about an hour ago."

Ben rolled his head and closed his eyes. "Jacen left him with me twenty minutes ago and I can't find him."

"Breathe." Jaina gave Ben a maternal smile. "This is not his first rodeo. He's almost thirteen. Let's go see if we can find him."

They stopped off at the door and told the nice woman checking off the VIP list names to call Jaina if Ani showed up. She texted her brother and they made their way out onto the floor to look for the missing tween. An hour later Jaina was finally starting to worry.

"What do we do?" Ben asked, turning a circle on the gallery floor. "This is why I don't wanna have children. I can barely keep my own shit together."

"Ben, for fuck's sake, calm down. We'll find him. I admit I've never lost him for this long, but there are a lot more people here than I anticipated."

"Have you heard anything from Jacen?"

Jaina shook her head. "He hasn't seen him either. The important thing is to keep a level head. We'll keep looking. Worst case, he carries cab fare on him wherever he goes. He can get home if something happened."

"You know he spends his cab fare on pizza at the beginning of every school year, right?"

"That little shit." Her eyes narrowed down a nearby hall. "I'm gonna kick his ass."

"And he's going to kick mine for blowing his cover, but that doesn't resolve the more pressing issue. Where the fuck did he go?"

* * *

"What do you suppose is wrong?" Rey asked.

"I'm not sure," Kay replied.

They both stared at the couple in the center of the gallery floor. Ben spun in a circle, looking frazzled.

"I'm a bit worried, if I'm honest," Rey said.

"Then go talk to him," Kay replied.

"Fuck off."

"I'm serious. If you're so worried go talk to him. Maybe we can help."

"I will slit your throat in your sleep."

Kay took a step and Rey pulled her back. They stared at Ben and the mystery woman, who Kay believed might be Caedus' sister. They did look alike.

"What are we looking at?" Paige said, startling them.

Kay nodded toward Ben.

"Oh, I didn't know Ben was here. And Jaina."

"You know her?" Kay asked.

"Who is she?" Rey asked.

"That's Jacen's twin sister."

Kay flicked Rey's arm. "See? I told you."

"Brilliant. Would you like a sweetie?"

"I wonder what's wrong?" Paige said, ignoring the side conversation. "I'm going to go talk to her. Jaina!"

"Shit!" Rey ducked behind a nearby wall and practically toppled over a bust. Kay snorted. "Are they coming this way?"

Kay waved at the approaching parties and said, "Mm-hm."

Rey managed to make it down the hall and around the corner just in time. When she glanced over her shoulder Ben was just coming into view.

* * *

"Paige, thank god," Jaina said, hugging her friend. "We need your help. We've been looking for Ani for over an hour, but he's gone."

"Oh. Let me call Rose and let her know."

"I can help too," Kay offered. "Do you have a picture of him?"

"Yeah," Ben pulled out his phone. "I'll text it to you."

"Actually, that's a good idea," Paige interrupted. "Jaina, start a group chat. Let's text everyone we know that's here."

Jaina nodded and began plugging away at her phone. Kay put a steadying hand on Ben's arm. "Hey, chill out. We'll find him."

Ben shook his head, growling. "I lost him. If anything happens to him—"

"Nothing is going to happen to him." Jaina said, firmly. "Take a fucking Xanax. Please."

It took several minutes of dictating phone numbers but inside of ten minutes a text had gone out to everyone any of them knew at the party. Ben scrolled through the message and smiled at the picture Jaina had chosen. Anakin playing chess in Central Park, lost in thought. He looked way too serious to be so young. It only served to tighten the knot forming in Ben's chest. He needed to find his brother. Messages came in fast and furious as people responded to the all-call. He was just about to put his phone away when a new message came and his heart dropped into his stomach.

**| Rey: I'll keep my eyes open.**

He'd saved her number the night he'd texted himself her address. Saved that too because he was an idiot. He stared at the message for several seconds and wondered if that was the reason Kay and Paige hadn't approached him before now. He'd been wandering the floor for hours. Ben pushed the thoughts aside. Later. He would deal with it later. First he had to find Anakin. He could dig into the socio-political situation on the planet Jakku later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, all commenters are welcome here. I'm still in the market for beta readers and new friends in this insane fandom I've been sucked into (kicking and screaming, I swear). With a couple of other stories on the horizon I would love to meet some new people willing to take a crack at proofing so feel free drop in with a comment, shoot me an e-mail (available in my profile) or send me a PM on Tumblr [@thoseindarkness](https://thoseindarkness.tumblr.com/).


	9. Win Or Lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes in the search for what you lost, you end finding a lot more than you bargained for. Ben and Rey find themselves in a strange place, at the edge of something new for both of them. Will they step off the ledge or back away slowly? 
> 
> The final chapter of Cut the Noise marks the end of part 1 of Vicious. Please stay tuned for part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HUMP DAY! This is it. Final chapter of part 1. Please see the end notes for more info about part 2.
> 
> This week is brought to you by 'Killing Ourselves to Live.' The final song on the Vicious album seemed like a good place to end today. Due to some timing conflicts this chapter went out without beta. Thank you to Brit, Ian and [tm2taughtmefamlaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tm2taughtmefamlaw/pseuds/tm2taughtmefamlaw) for all the help and support you've given me with this story. I owe you guys the world!

_Breaking out of the cage and into the fire_   
_Channel the rage, holding it tighter_   
_And I'm not ashamed to give into desire_   
_And I'm not afraid of the pain that I fight for_   
_-Killing Ourselves to Live, Halestorm_

* * *

 

Rey darted around the nearest corner when she heard his voice. She was all for helping find stray kids, but it was making avoiding Ben fucking impossible. He was everywhere. Every time she thought she could find a couple minutes peace to try and find this child he would show up a minute later and she was off to the races again. It was ridiculous.

"Rey."

She turned in the direction of Rose's voice and caught sight of her a moment later. "Not so loud. Ben is in the other room. Come on." They snuck another room over. Rey looked back the way they'd come to make sure he wasn't heading in their direction.

"Are you really still doing this? There's a child missing."

"Pardon me for not being possessed of an overly developed maternal instinct," Rey snapped. "I didn't exactly have great role models."

"Have you even been looking?"

"I've been trying, but every time…" Rey threw her hands in the air. "Oh, forget it. If I see any wee ones I'll let you know. If not, then not. I'm sorry, Rosie but I can't do both and I'm prioritizing my sanity. I need some air."

Rose sighed but didn't try to stop her which was good because Rey didn't want another fight. There had been too many the last few weeks. The front foyer was packed with people. The street was packed with people. Rey had to wander around the side of the building before the mass of bodies thinned and only barely. That's when she saw the fire escape which led right to the roof and away from whatever the foul smell on the street was. She was suddenly very glad she'd gone with the boots.

The roof was windy, but the cold breeze felt nice on her face. A welcome change to the heat generated by so many self-righteous prats rubbing against one another. She moved toward the front of the building to get a look at the throngs below and was surprised to find she was not alone up there. A couple seemed to be locked in an amorous embrace.

"Sorry," Rey said turning away. "Didn't realize anyone else was up here."

They jumped apart several feet, which Rey thought was strange until she got a closer look at them. They were teenagers.

"Oh fuck." She pointed at the sandy haired boy. "You're Anakin, aren't you?" His eyes went wide. "You're in such deep shit." She pulled her phone from her pocket and began typing away into the chat. "Everyone's been looking for you. If you were ever going to go on the lam, now would be a good time." She waved her phone at him. "Because I just told everyone where you are."

* * *

Of course _she'd_ be the one to find him! Now that he knew she was there it was impossible for Ben not to notice her ducking out of the room every time he walked into one. She probably wasn't even looking… but _she'd_ found him. He raced through VIP and startled the gallery owner.

"Roof," Ben huffed. "How do I get on the roof?"

The woman stared back wide eyed and perplexed. "The artist's little brother is on the roof and I need to retrieve him."

"Oh," she said. "Follow me."

The gallery owner led Ben to the offices on the third floor and a rear staircase with a sign that said 'ROOF ACCESS.' He took the steps two at a time, bursting into the freezing cold so fast the air burned his lungs. He didn't care. Laughter carried through from around the front the building.

"Ani?"

"Oh shit," he heard the boy said.

He burst around the corner to find one too many people standing there. Anakin, Rey, and… who the hell was the girl? Puzzle pieces slid into place in rapid succession and the anger he'd been gearing up slid right back down into his stomach. It was _the_ girl. The one Anakin had been trying to win away from her asshole boyfriend. The look of sheer terror in his eyes confirmed it. Ben could forgo scolding the boy, but he couldn't stop himself throwing his arms around the kid in relief.

"You scared the shit out of us," Ben said into the top of his head.

"Sorry, Ben."

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"It's on silent," Anakin chuckled. "I was kind busy."

"I'll say." Rey snorted. She gave a sidelong glance to the girl who pinked at the implication.

Ben was moving before his brain had time to catch up with the rest of his body. He had his arm around her waist and was kissing her before he could stop himself. She melted against him, snaking an arm around his neck and pulling him closer. He pulled back far too soon for his own liking and pressed his forehead to hers.

"Thank you. Thank you for finding my brother."

"I didn't know he was your brother," Rey whispered.

"Now you do." He pulled away from her completely. "Alright you two. Back inside, I'll take your friend somewhere warm so your sister doesn't embarrass the shit out of you in front of her."

"Thanks," Anakin pouted. "You're a real hero."

"Don't be a smart ass or I'll rescind the offer." Before they turned the corner to the stairwell Ben turned back. "You coming?"

Rey's brow was pinched and her lips pulled tight. She shook her head. "You go ahead."

He nodded. It was an effort to ignore the tingling in his neck where her hands had been and the ache in his chest as he left her. He could look closer at those things soon, but there was still one thing left to do.

* * *

Jacen handed the girl a soda and tried to look soothing, but he wasn't getting very far with the war paint all over his face. Ben tapped him on the shoulder.

"Let me handle this," Ben offered.

Ben's attempts at creating a calming environment were also marred by Jaina's screams carrying through the paper thin office walls. "You are grounded for the rest of your fucking life do you hear me?"

Jacen had to bang on it to get her to pipe down. "We can hear you!"

"I don't give a shit if they can hear me China!" Jaina screamed back.

"We better go downstairs," Ben tried. "Sarah, right?" The girl looked on the verge of tears. She nodded. "I'm Ben. Why don't you come with us? We should probably figure out how to get you home."

"My parents are out of town," she admitted. "They don't know I'm here."

"Great. Add kidnapping to the list." Jacen grumbled.

"Out," Ben commanded. "Go back to your guests. I'll take of it." Jacen continued to grumble, but he did as he was bid.

"Am I going to get in trouble?"

Ben considered the girl. "That depends. Does Jaina know your parents?" Sarah shook her head furiously. "Then if you don't tell her, I won't either."

"Really?" She looked uncertain.

"I snuck out more than a few times when I was your age. Didn't even wait for my parents to be out of town. I supposed I shouldn't be telling you this, but you're going to do whatever you want anyway. You don't rat on me and I won't rat on you. Deal?" He held his hand out.

She took it. "Deal."

"Do you see them? Do you!? These are all the fucks I give!" Jaina shouted.

"Time to go," Ben said.

* * *

He'd kissed her. Hauled off and kissed her and she'd… fuck. Rey's whole body was on fire from one stupid kiss. What the hell was she thinking? She should have been the one who took off when that message went out. Of course _he_ was going to show up. Of course! Because it couldn't have been any of the other fifty people on that stupid thread. It had to be him. It just had to. And he'd kissed her. God had she enjoyed it.

That was the real problem. Rey had not stopped thinking about him from the moment he'd walked out on her at Starkiller. Half a million times since that night she'd thought about just breaking down and calling him. She didn't even have his number, but she could get it. It was a small concession going to Quantxi. Say hello. Say thank you. Apologize. Maybe pour her stupid heart out. Maybe get cold feet and revert to her usual self. Get really drunk. Say god knows what. Run scared.

That was the real problem. She didn't want to run anymore.

_'I want more than this.'_

What did that even mean? More? More what? Netflix and chill she could probably handle. Fucking on a surface that one of them actually owned she could handle. Dates were a grey area. She didn't really do dates but was going out to lunch with a bloke you're sleeping with really a date? There would be no going on holiday. No moving in together. No meeting of family…

Except she already had met his family. She'd just met Anakin. Had known Jacen before that. Thinking back, she could even remember having been introduced to Jaina at the last gallery opening. Or was it the one before?

Rey shook her head. None of it mattered. Why was she even considering it? Every time she went down this rabbit hole it ended in the same place. With disaster. With a pair of ugly socks that she never really liked but for some unknown reason couldn't bring herself to throw away or set on fire or turn into her next Christmas ensemble. There was no good outcome at the end of this road, but she kept going down it.

She liked him.

That was the real problem. She actually liked him. His funny walk and his strange face and his big hands and his luxurious hair and his intense stare and the way he smiled and the way he made her feel. When he looked at her, it was like she was only person in the room. Like the whole world had gone absolutely quiet and it was just them. She wanted him to look at her like that every day. She'd gone to sleep in that oversized hoodie every night.

It was childish. It was juvenile. It was ridiculous. But there it was. She liked him. Now what the hell to do about it?

* * *

"Hey!" Jacen grabbed Ben by the arm and spun him around. "Now that the shit's been mopped up I want to introduce you to my friend Cobalt."

In the frenzy of finding Anakin, Ben had forgotten that the twins had invited their friend for a heart to heart. Now that Anakin, Sarah and Jaina were in a cab on their way home, the world seemed to have returned to its normal rotating speed. Jacen tugged Ben into the next room, scanning it.

"Where the hell did she go?" He touched the arm of a nearby woman. Her jewel green dress hugged her curves and her hair was wrapped up with a scarf into a pharaoh-like pillar atop her head. "Have you seen Cobalt?"

Ten turned around and smiled. She looked incredible. "Ben! I'm sorry I didn't say hello earlier. Everyone was running about." She hugged him. "You looked so worried. I'm glad it's all settled."

"Baby," Jacen stroked her arm. "Cobalt, where'd she go?"

"I'm not a baby." Ten's eyes sparkled. She knew she was giving him a hard time. Jacen pouted and she kissed his cheek. "Cobalt's just gone for a drink. She'll be back in a minute."

He said something to her in stuttered Faroese and she cocked an eyebrow before wandering off.

"Baby?" Ben asked.

Jacen had the decency to look embarrassed. He shrugged. "I won her over with my charm and tenacity."

"Good for you," Ben grabbed him by the shoulder. "Good for you."

"What about you? I head Jakku was the one that found Ani. Did you see her?"

It was Ben's turn to be embarrassed. "I may have done something incredibly stupid."

"Do you whip your dick out in front of the kids?" Ben rolled his eyes. "Then it couldn't have been that bad."

"We'll see."

"I'm sure we will. Cobalt!" Jacen waved and Ben turned to look at this mystery fetish expert. When he saw her, his jaw damn near hit the floor.

"Paige?"

"Hey, Ben." She turned to Jacen. "So, who is it I'm supposed to be…" She trailed off, looking from Jacen to Ben and back again. "Wait, you're the sub?"

Jacen patted his brother on the chest. "You're the expert. You tell us."

* * *

The gallery had shuttered up at two in the morning. After the debacle of losing a little brother Jacen had insisted that they all head back to his place for a little afterparty. The girls all wanted to go and Jacen had been rather insistent that as the heroine of the evening Rey should join them. It meant being in close quarters with Ben and she wasn't sure if that was wise, but with no better alternative than to go home at an hour that was early by her standards, she acquiesced.

The warehouse Jacen was squatting in was huge. The whole first floor was a workshop for the handful of artists living in their little commune. The second floor was decked out in make-shift and second-hand furniture covered in layers of paint and grease. Rey loved it. She wandered the third floor, which they'd turned into sleeping spaces. There was a hammock out in the open strung between to pillars. A few offices in the back where at least two people were very, very loudly having a good time. She found the stairs to fourth floor and came out into a world of forgotten canvases, stacks of books, a broken billiards table and a familiar face staring out the paneled windows.

She was just about ready to slip off when she saw the look in his eye. Lonely. Even in a crowded art commune. Even with his brother just downstairs he looked like he'd just discovered he was the last man on earth. She'd seen that look many times before. In a mirror.

"Forty two," she said. That intense gaze turned toward her, but Ben said nothing. "You looked to be in deep thought. I figured it might help." He frowned as she approached. "Oh, come on. The answer to life, the universe, and everything? I thought a sci-fi nut like you'd have read Hitchhiker's Guide."

"How do you know I'm a sci-fi nut?"

"Rose talks too much."

"And you listened." He turned back to the window. "I didn't properly thank you for finding Ani. I really appreciate it."

"I'm pretty sure you did."

He pursed his lips, dipping his head. "About that, I'm—"

"Don't you dare apologize," she said, gently. "Don't even think it."

He turned his head slightly but didn't look at her. They lapsed into silence. Rey groped for something to say. She hadn't really thought it through. She'd just seen him standing there and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Now here they were. He'd thanked her for something she didn't even do on purpose. Something she'd, in reality, been running away from.

"Oh. Thank you. For getting me home the other night," she chuckled. "And helping me sort my dirty knickers, apparently. Though I don't thank you for eating my donuts. That was very rude."

"I saved you one," he said.

"That was you?"

"You wanted to eat them all. I had to hide it from you until you fell asleep."

"I don't remember that. Don't remember much, really. I was pretty far gone."

"What do you remember?" There was a fear in his voice when he asked. Rey decided it was best to address the elephant in the room head on.

"Look, I don't know what I told you, but whatever it was it's true. I get chatty when I'm drunk. Say all the things I don't really tell people. I'm mean to the ones I don't like and nice to the ones I do. I will always tell you exactly what I think so whatever I said, I meant. I know it makes me a coward but there it is. Thank you all the same."

"I'm not sure I want to be thanked for that," Ben was frowning again. "Call me a bastard, but if I'd have known what you were going to say I would never have taken you home."

"You're a bastard," she said quietly, "but you're not the first person to tell me that. I'm sorry—"

"Don't you dare. You don't get to take it back," he sighed. "You can't let me go, but you don't know how to keep me. That's what you said. Well, Rey, I can't keep you and I don't know how to let you go. So here we are."

"What do you want from me, Ben? I'm going out of my mind here. I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop running into you. But I'm not girlfriend material. I will only hurt you. That's what I do."

"Girlfriend? Is that what you think? That I want to tie you into some mutually exclusive relationship?" He frowned at her. "I don't want that any more than you do. I just don't want to be kept at arm's length. Playing 'fuck the stranger' is only fun for so long. We're not strangers anymore. I want to know more about you. Why you write your songs. What kind of movies _you_ like. Why donuts are you comfort food." He turned back to the window, shaking his head. "I want to know that you're interested in my too. If you're not… I can't do it if you're not."

She was. Desperately interested. But this was a road to pain. Everyone that really knew her knew how ugly she was on the inside. The thought of him seeing it made her sick, yet she still wanted to show him. Still wanted to peel back the layers despite the danger it posed.

"I…" Rey stared at her shoes. The small flecks of glitter caught the streetlights and they sparkled like mini galaxies. "I am interested. I'm just not sure what middle ground is. There are two types of sexual relationships in my life. Freedom and possession. Telling someone my life story, that always leads to possession. Every damn time. I will not tolerate it. I will not be owned."

Ben ran his hand across his face and into his loose hair. Her fingers itched to do the same.

"Fuck. I don't want to posses you Rey. If anything, I love how free you are. You don't put a wild animal in a cage."

"Are you calling me an animal?" She chuckled.

"Yes," he replied, his voice low and dripping with anticipation. Her stomach clenched. She had to look away or she was going to jump his dick right then and there.

"You say you want more, but I don't know what that means. I don't know how to give you that."

"I just want more than fucking in the backs of clubs. I'm not asking you to marry me or bear my children or take up my lands and titles or rule the galaxy at my side. I just want to be able to have sex _and_ conversations with you. Am I crazy?"

Rey considered that. Really considered it. No one had ever said it that way before. When she thought about, it was kind of funny. The chuckle started low, bubbling up until she was howling into the dark room.

"Sex and conversation. It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that." Ben was laughing too. A deep, belly laugh that made his whole face light up like those stupid socks. She wondered if he'd ever buy her ugly socks. She supposed there was only one way to find out. "I can handle that. Sex and conversations."

"We don't have to have all the answers right away. We can figure it out as we go, but we have to talk to each other for that. Can you do that? Can you be honest with me if something isn't working?"

"Would you hate me if I said I didn't know? Probably, but I'm guaranteed to fuck up somewhere along the way." She chuckled, watching her shoes twinkle. "It's kind of my MO."

He moved toward her then, hovering just a fraction away from pressing her body into the wall. He ran a thumb along her cheek and the distance between them felt like the space between stars. Light years when measured, but by a trick of perspective it looked closer that it was.

"I have a feeling we both will."

There was a line here and she was about to cross it. With it the fear crept in. "Ben, I will hurt you. I won't want to, but I will. I know I will. And as soon as I realize what I've done it'll hurt me. Are you sure I'm worth that trouble?"

He examined her head to toe the same way he had at Starkiller. Like she was some interesting creature he'd never seen before. He leaned in to her lips.

"No," he whispered. "I'm not sure, but I want to find out."

It was supposed to be a trap. A question that had no right answer. Somehow, he'd found it. That was the thing about Ben that kept tripping her up. Every box she tried to put him in, he broke free. Every time she played for the high ground, he turned it around. It should have infuriated her. It should have made her break things off. It only made her want him more.

Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

* * *

Her arms were around him. Her fingers threading through his hair. Her mouth opening to him. The whole world stopped around Ben and there was only her. Only Rey.

_'I could belong to you for a little while.'_

She'd said those words to him the first time she'd pressed her lips to his skin and now he would get to keep her, if only for a little while. That was enough for him. Enough for now. No more sneaking. No more waiting. No more hiding. She chuckled, the feeling vibrating against his lips.

"What?" He whispered.

"Something Rose said. That you might want to fuck on a surface one of us actually owns." She kissed him gently. "Do you want to do that? Head somewhere more private?"

Still keeping her close Ben scanned the room, head darting around, peering out the window to the street below. "This looks private enough to me."

He had only seconds to register her smile before she'd latched onto his neck. There weren't many horizontal surfaces in the room. A few chairs, a couple of smaller tables, nothing that could support either of their weight. He was just considering co-opting one of the downstairs rooms when he saw the pool table. Ben hefted her off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Her hard plastic purse hit the small of his back.

"Oi. He-man. I am not a sack of potatoes. I don't like being treated like one."

Her words were harsher than her tone, but Ben filed the information away for later. He reached the pool table and gently slid her onto it.

"Sorry. I didn't know."

She narrowed her eyes at him, the ghost of smile still on her lips. "Consider this your one warning."

Ben leaned into her, pulling her knees up to his sides, pressing his nose to hers. "Tell me how you want to be treated, Rey. What should I do to make it up to you?"

She pushed him back. Slid off the table. Turned her back to him and, with a glance over her shoulder, slowly laid her body down. She wiggled her ass at him. He could take a hint and dug his fingers into her hips as he slowly worked the dress up her thighs until he found the softer fabric of her leggings underneath.

"How much do you like these?" He breathed, tugging at the delicate fabric.

"They're replaceable."

"Good."

He found the seam, digging into it with his nails. They tore apart with a satisfying rip. Reaching into the hole, he teased her opening as he pressed his body down onto hers and slid two fingers inside.

"Is this what you wanted?" He whispered into her ear.

"Yes," she moaned. "Blame Trent Reznor."

"Are you saying you want me to fuck you like an animal?" He shoved three digits into her.

"God yes."

He worked her with his hand, until she was dripping down his wrist. She came in minutes. Holding her breath at the end until she screamed. He was so fucking hard for her it was painful. He wanted skin. He wanted to slide against every part of her. He pushed the dress over her shoulders and bunched it under her head. She was still hazy in the afterglow. He kissed the watercolor tattoo on her shoulder blade. The one that rested directly above her heart.

"Fuck me, Ben. Please."

Ben unhooked his belt in seconds, pulling the fly down as he played with her clit. He reached into his underwear and froze.

"Wait," he said.

Rey looked back at him, fire in her eyes. "I swear if you've had an attack of conscience I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life, fuck your dying corpse, and then, _and only then,_ will I give you the sweet release of death!"

"Holy shit," Ben snorted. He tried in vain to hold back the laughter.

She turned, reached up his shirt and pinching his nipple hard. "Stop it."

"I haven't changed my mind you psycho." He laughed, snatching her hand away. "I don't have a condom."

She frowned looking even more grave than she had a moment a go. "Who do you think you're dealing with?" She wrenched her arm free, laying back down across the table and reaching for her purse. When she looked back at him, the condom was poking out of her mouth between her tongue and her upper row of teeth.

Ben cocked an eyebrow at her. Holy shit she was amazing. He took a moment to enjoy her like this. Kneaded the soft flesh of her ass. Ran his hands up and down her back raising goosebumps on her skin. He kissed each of the exposed tattoos. He teased her for as long as he could. Until both their bodies were begging him to take her.

Sheathed and ready for her, he drove himself in. He wasn't in a mood for slow and she wanted an animal. He could be an animal. Hooking his arms under her stomach he pulled her roughly off the table and thrust into her again. She cried out.

He kept her pinned to him. Her head and shoulders pressed to his chest. One hand around her throat. The other between her legs. The only part of them not touching was the small of her back where she arched away from him. He fucked her hard. She came again almost immediately. Her body twitching in his grasp. He didn't slow. She tried to pull his hand away from her pussy but he wouldn't be moved. He pounded into her and worked her until she was screaming at the top of lungs. Then he kept going.

He got two more orgasms out of her before he felt it coming for him. Still, there was something he wanted. Something he hadn't gotten enough of. He had to get the damn shirt off first. When he was crumpled in a heap on the floor he pushed her back onto the pool table. Kicked her legs together and rested his body on top of her until every inch of their skin was touching. Like this his head was nearly level with hers. He couldn't slam into her as hard as he had before, but the sensation was different. Her folds and her thighs extended the area of pleasure as he slid himself in and out of her.

"Fuck that's good. I think I'm going to come again." She sounded surprised.

Ben barely had time to consider how sad that must be for her when she held her breath. Her hold on him tightened again. The cry she let out was quieter than the others, but long and low and lingering. It nearly undid him. He drank in the feel of her skin. The vibrations in her chest as she moaned for him. The wet glide of his dick as he slid out of her and slammed home.

It came on him suddenly. No lengthy build up. Just a sudden explosion of fire running through his body. He pulled up, changing the angle on his last few thrusts. Coming in a heady rush that left him panting.

Several minutes passed before either of them was capable of speech, let alone the complicated process of detangling themselves from one another. Rey was ready first, lifting herself slightly. Ben had to move to give her room. He cleaned himself up as best he could and tucked his oxford back into his pants as she dressed. She reorganized herself in silence, her back turned. A dark fear crept into Ben's heart. Would she send him away as she had the first time? Turn him away as she had the second? Had she really meant…

"Ben?" She turned toward him then. Her body bathed in halogen tinged moonlight. Deep shadows crisscrossed her face. With a deep breath she nodded to herself. There was a hesitation to her. An uncertainty. "Would you… Would you like to come back to my place? For the night?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, all commenters are welcome here. 
> 
> I haven't started working on part 2 of the Vicious story yet because I've been invested in other yummy Reylo projects. I have another modern AU that I'm more than 50% done with and I'd like to finish that next for you guys. I'm a sucker for keeping a weekly posting schedule so I will likely finish that completely before beginning the posting process. Then I have a canon compliant, post TLJ story that is turning into a monster and a high school AU that cropped up recently and I've barely started conceptualizing. None are filthy like Cut the Noise, though the high school one might get steamy.
> 
> I know the smut will call me back soon so I hope not to make you wait too long for more on this story. In the meantime I'm always up for a chat. Feel free drop in with a comment, shoot me an e-mail (available in my profile) or send me a PM on Tumblr [@thoseindarkness](https://thoseindarkness.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me through this and I hope you enjoyed the end… for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Every author is different so I'm going to be explicit: 
> 
>  
> 
> **MY COMMENT SECTION IS OPEN FOR ANY AND ALL POSTERS**
> 
>  
> 
> You are free to post anything you like in the comments of this story. Point out my grammar and spelling mistakes (I am making corrections after posting). Talk about areas of the prose that you didn't quite understand/weren't clear. Give your personal opinions (positive or negative) about the story. Things you loved. Things you hated. If you felt the character was OOC and why. Things that made you uncomfortable. Things that made you scream at the top of your lungs. How hot I made you. Amazon style reviews (yes, I said it). You can also e-mail me (address available in bio) or PM me on Tumblr @thoseindarkness if you don't feel comfortable posting publicly. My box is open (some pun intended).
> 
> I want you to say whatever you want. I'm the kind of writer that uses fan fiction as a method for expanding my skill. Your feedback is 24K gold to me no matter what kind. Negative feedback and criticism goes a lot further than "I really liked it." If you really liked it but don't have anything special to say, hit the kudos button. I'll know and I'll love you for it. If you have something to say: SAY IT! 
> 
> You don't have to be afraid of hurting me. My skin is mythril, my bones are adamantium, and my heart is encased in unobtainium. Your words cannot hurt me, only make me stronger. I ask only that you not attack each other. I've painted the target on my own back. Please, don't miss.
> 
> BOMBS AWAY…


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